Week One

So with week one in the books, I have a few players on my roster(s) that I would like to thank for truly stepping up to the plate and fucking me right in the asshole.

First and foremost is Gary Sheffied, who must be too tired from terrorizing his teammates and his book editor (What?) to muster something better than an average of .176. The guy who was supposed to bring plate discipline to the tigers looked like he was teaching plate discipline to Rosie O'Donnell. (See what I did there? I changed the type of plate from homeplate to dinner plate. I did this to imply that both Sheffield sucked and O'Donnell is fat) Sheffield's .273 OBP for the week was not textbook leading by example. But hey, it wasn't Shef's fault, he just put some cream that someone gave him on his body, no questions asked.

This alone would probably sink most fantasy teams, but not mine. To get completely crushed in week 1, my tag team of all-stars needed more help. Thankfully, other hitters were more than happy to comply:

Lance Berkman swung his bat like he was trying to hit his wife (You know what I mean, a little angry so you want to make some contact, but at the same time, you know if you inflict any real damage that you're probably going to jail). He hit .190 with a shockingly low .583 OPS. That just can't last much longer, can it?

Amazingly, Lance (if that's not the gayest name this side of Ace, then I don't know what is) was outdone by my catcher, Michael (Jodi) Barrett, who steamrolled through the week with a .158 AVG and a .396 OPS. Yes, a .396 OPS. I'm relatively certain that if Barrett walked to the plate four times a game with his dick in his hands instead of a bat that his OPS could not possibly go down.

Garrett Atkins must have forgotten what R-B-I stands for, because he sure as hell didn't get any in week one. Of course it's hard to lay all the blame on him. It's gotta be hard to knock in Willy Tavares and Kazuo Matsui when they're all warm and cozy on the bench. Those two guys spent less time on a base than George W. Bush (that was a political joke, and to be fair, I don't really know if it makes any sense, or for that matter, who George W. Bush is).

These guys and more led to my team's demise at the hands of a .226 avg and a .676 OPS. Stellar.

I'd complain about my pitching, but since it's responsible for the only 3 categories I won in my matchup, I really don't have too much to say about it, other than after Josh Beckett walked David Dejesus to start the BOS-KC game, I wanted to fly to KC, walk out onto the field and shoot Beckett in the face. Thankfully, I did not.

Also, I am a full on believer in the Tim Hudson bounce back season. You read it here first.

For the upcoming week, I've decided to look at teams I'm playing and predict the unlikely shit player who will have a career week and help crush me. Week 2's predictions: Dan Uggla or Coco Crisp. Why? Because they suck.

Onto Week 2!!