Week Eleven

In one of my leagues this week, I was playing some guy who was obviously on vacation. The strange part about this was that on Sunday, he and I made a trade. I got Hanley Ramirez for Papelbon and JJ Hardy.

During the week, he had David Ortiz on his bench, Aramis Ramirez as his 3B (Ramirez was on the DL all week) didn't come close to reaching his innings minimum. On top of that, Jeff Kent hit .077 with no runs or RBI for the week, Jose Valentin was his Utility player (.214 no runs or RBI) and Trot Nixon was in his outfield (.059 with 1 run and 1 RBI). Our trade went through on Friday, so for the weekend he had no SS and no Utility player (it was a two for one deal that required him to drop a player).

Here's the amazing part: He beat me in runs, steals, avg and OPS. He basically came at me with 4 players:

• Pudge Rodriguez (.286, 1 HR, 4 Runs, 5 RBI)
• LaRoche (.333, 1 HR, 5 Runs, 2 RBI)
• Granderson (.360, 1 HR, 7 Runs, 3 RBI, 2 steals)
• Hideki Matsui (.429, 1 HR, 5 Runs, 8RBI)

That's not all that impressive. What is impressive, though is the complete and total lack of offensive production from my team. I only hit 4 homers and Garrett Atkins, who went crazy this week, had 3 of them. The rest of my team, well, see for yourself:

• Konerko (.125, 1 HR, 1 run, 2 RBI)
• Berkman (.313, 0HR, 3 Runs, 0 RBI)
• Hafner (.250, 0 HR, 2 Run, 2 RBI and a shocking steal)
• Napoli (.000, 0 HR, 1 Run, 1 RBI)
• Drew (.227, 0HR, 5 Runs, 4 RBI)
• Kinsler (.125, 0HR, 0 Runs, 0RBI)

It was truly embarassing. I am officially worried about Hafner, who didn't even play on Sunday, and the game was at home. At what point, can we actually stop thinking of Berkman and Konerko as good hitters. August 1st, maybe? I don't know, but I am close to being there right now.

And don't even get me fucking started on Curtis Granderson, who had the fucking week of his life on two of the teams I was playing this week.

More good news, as it looks like this Teixeira quad injury is more serious than it seemed at first. Which is just great for my keeper team, which currently starts LaRoche at first base. I made some roster moves in the league heading into week 12. Benched Kelly Johnson in favor of the hot hitting Kazuo Matsui. And swapped in Michael Barrett for Paul LoDuca, who has a sore triceps after being HBP. We'll see how those moves pan out. My guess: Not well.

Speaking of my keeper league, the owner of Manny Ramirez was shopping him, looking to get a replacement outfielder back. We spoke at lenght about a deal involving Sheffield, but couldn't agree on anything. The closest we got was I get Manny, Freddie Sanchez and Borowski for Sheff and Furcal. My problem with this is simply the worthlessness of Sanchez in fantasy. No runs, RBI or Steal. Just average/hits. And Furcal's second half OPS last year was over .900. I couldn't do it. I want to have Manny and I'd rather keep him for '08 than Sheffield, but not that much.

Current standings in my three leagues: 1st, 5th, 2nd (in my division - I know, divisions??)

Week Ten

To begin this week, I'd like to take a moment to illustrate how important the job of catcher really in in baseball. Tim Hudson's first start of the week was against Florida and in said start, catcher Brian McCann cost Hudson 4 earned runs. How did he do this? With two runners on and one out, Hudson struck out Dan Uggla on a foul tip. Unfortunately, McCann couldn't hang on, giving Uggla new life. Of course, Uggla promptly singled in a run. That was followed by a sac fly, an intentional walk and then a strikeout of Josh Willingham. Not one of those strikeouts that records an out, though. It was one of those the catcher lets slip by him and the batter reaches first base. Followed immediately by a two-run Aaron Boone single. Unfortunately, fantasy ERA doesn't have an asterisk for catcher fuck ups. Though it should.

Onto another favorite whipping boy of the 2007 season: The Orioles Bullpen - inparticular, Dennys Baez. In one of my leagues, I was starting Jeff Burres. Please don't ask why, but the main reason is that he qualifies as an RP and had a start against the Mariners. He left after 5.2 innings, with a 4-1 lead. A decent, and a surefire win. Enter Mr. Baez, who proceeded to author the following line:

Bottom 7th: Seattle
- J. Guillen singled to right center
- R. Ibanez walked, J. Guillen to second
- K. Johjima walked, J. Guillen to third, R. Ibanez to second

In comes Jamie Walker, who was sure to clean up the mess:

J. Vidro hit sacrifice fly to deep right, J. Guillen scored, R. Ibanez to third
- R. Ibanez scored, K. Johjima to second on wild pitch
- B. Broussard singled to first, K. Johjima to third
- Y. Betancourt singled to left, K. Johjima scored, B. Broussard to second

Not so much. 6 batters into the inning there was one out, two men still on base and my win was gone. Not really a big deal, it's not like I lost wins by ONE OR ANYTHING!

In my oldest league, I think I need to take a moment and recognize the week that Alex Rodriguez had for me: 4 homers, 7 runs, 16 RBI, 1.475 OPS and of course, 1 steal. Abreu was no slouch either, scoring 11 runs.

Sheffield had another monster week for 2 of my teams with an OPS over 1.5. He has completely redeemed himself for his first 4 weeks of the season when he seemed to be heading to the plate with his dick in his hands instead of a bat.

My hot pick-up for the week was catcher Mike Napoli, who hit over .400 and knocked in 7 runs, helping my team overcome another disappointing Travis Hafner week. Look, nobody loves this guy more than me. He's the man, and if he walked into my apartment and told me he wanted to fuck me in the ass, I really don't know if I would say "no." But I can't really pretend not to notice anymore just how unPronk-like his season has been thus far. They guy is hitting closer to .250 than .300. He's still taking walks, but here we are about halfway through June and he's still homerless for the month. The big problem here is that he's the one player I drafted on all 3 of my teams.

And one of those team ended up tied for the week and Pronk was a big reason why. Monday, I looked over my opponent's roster and did a little comparison. I almost laughed when I saw that his utility player was Shane Victorino and mine was Hafner. I expected to win the offensive stats based on that alone.

Hafner: 4-22, 4 H, 2B, 3 RBI, R, 3 BB, 0.507 OPS

Victorino: 8-31, 8 H, 2 2B, HR, RBI, 3 R, SB, BB, 0.701 OPS

Simply astounding. Hafner was outhit by SHANE VICTORINO! How the fuck is that even possible? Almost more upsetting was the fact that his team managed to have a whip of 0.767.

Looks like I missed that JD Drew turnaround week by one, as this week he homers twice and knocks in 10 runs. Granted, most of that came in one game, but hey, it still counts. Or at least, it would have counted, if I hadn't benched him...In both of my leagues where I own him...And then finished one of those weeks tied in homers....

Week Nine

Gary Sheffield is officially on fire. 11 runs this week. 11 runs. That's almost 2/game. He lead two of my teams to victory and didn't say or do anything stupid.

Let's get to my predictions from last week.

I said: "And Berkman, well I really need Berkman to start hitting, so I'll go ahead and predict that he does."
Result: Berkman hits .100 for the week with an OPS under .500. But he did homer once and knock in 6 runs, so I'm almost happy about it. Which should tell you a lot about Berkman this year.
I said: "This is the week JD Drew breaks out of his slump."
Result: A .100 average, an OPS of .450 and no homers. But at least he did hurt his hamstring. It seems to me that "J.D. Drew" has got to be acronym for "Ground out to the right side." If Manny led off every inning with a double, Drew would be the king of productive outs. But he isn't. He just makes outs.
I said: "Atkins is at home all week so he's got to start hitting right?"
Result: Not so much. 4 runs and a .267 avg. Not much. I especially liked it when Clint Hurdle said Atkins wouldn't start over the weekend because he was slumping so badly, and then played on Sunday (while I benched him) and homered. Appreciated that.

I suppose if we've learned anything from this, and we probably haven't, it's that my predictions are rarely right, and are mostly based on my needs.


Thankfully for that team, Hafner had a homer and 8 RBI and Kelly Johson hit .500 for the week to help Sheffield out. Franciso Cordero picked up 4 saves and waiver wire wonder Accardo had 2 saves and a vulture win, while my opponent's bullpen featured Todd Jones (47.25 ERA, 9.75 WHIP), Jonathan Broxton (21.60 ERA) and Dan Wheeler (16.20 ERA). That's the kind of stuff other teams complain about.

My Keeper League was tight all week long. I ended up winning Runs by 1, Homers and RBI by 2 and losing hits and steals by 1. This league actually provided me the most frustration of the week. On Sunday, Dan Wheeler melts down, blowing save and allowing runs. I dash to the computer and see that my ERA,WHIP and BAA were suddenly lower. This immediately confirms that I am an enormous loser. I bask in the glow of this 3 category swing. For about 12 seconds. That's how long it took Solomon Torres (I know it's my fault for having him, but he was still getting saves - at least until his first meltdown of the week, which cost him the closer's job, but it's a weekly league so I just had to hope he wouldn't pitch again. But he did. And of course, it was bad) to enter a game and give up 4 hits to the only 5 batters he would face, 2 of them scoring. I bid farewell to my brief leads in all 3 categories. And by "bid farewell," mean I screamed profanities and punched the couch pillows.

For the record, Torres is now off my team. He's terrible. The worst part about his fantasy season is that his best week, (Week 1 when he had 4 saves in 4 chances) he was on my bench.

Looking to next week, I see that Orlando Cabrera and Vlad are on all 3 teams I'll be facing so I expect career weeks out of them. Also, in a desperate attempt to replace Abreu in one league, I was beaten out to add Gary Matthews Jr. I know, I don't want him on my team, and I know he isn't good, but he seems to be getting RBI's. Maybe he decided to use that shipment of HGH that he ordered and had delivered to his house and then at the last second decided he shouldn't use.....

Also, I've decided - in the league I have Bonds - to give him one more week, and not play Raul Ibanez. So we'll see how that goes. Also, rumor has it that Harden - if he comes back and isn't killed by fantasy players, A's fans, or a light mist - could be headed to the bullpen. Great.

Week Eight

Something happened to me this week that has never happened before. Something terrible. Something devastating. In a Yahoo league I've been in for two years, and won both of those years, I lost 12-0. A complete shutout. I was dominated. I was crushed. I was destroyed.

I had a chance on the last day to at least save a few points. We were tied in wins and losses (don't get me started on losses being a category. It's stupid. Everybody knows it's stupid) and I had Jeff Suppan going up against my opponent's Jake Peavy. Yes, I really hanging my meager hopes on Jeff Suppan is a statement on it's own. He's not a good fantasy pitcher. I don't want him on my team. But innings minimums exist and with Beckett out, I needed innings.

Of course, Suppan lost, Peavy won (for the record, I was not suprised about this. It's what should have happened, but nonetheless it sucked for me fantasy wise) and my week went from 10-2 to 12-0.

The main reason is simple. My offense fucking blows asshole. And blowing asshole is something only the most shit-eating offenses do. We all start 9 hitters and 5 of mine hit under .200 for the week (thank you Hardy, Berkman, Drew, Atkins and even Hafner). That Hafner (one of my favorite players) has joined Drew, Berkman and Atkins to form a near record breaking futile foursome that no team could possibly overcome.

Francisco Cordero never even pitched. I guess this is a good thing, since I usually find myself bitching once every other week or so about how closers in non-save situations often get knocked around. (Speaking of which, I own Brett Myers in one league and was just tickled pink to see him come into a non-save situation, kill my ERA for the week and then get hurt. Super)

Garrett Atkins is garbage. He is currently ranked 764th on Yahoo's Player Rankings. The following Third Basemen elligible players are ranked ahead of him right now:

• Alex Cora - part time player
• Mark DeRosa
• Jose Batista - He's on the Pirates. I think. Who fucking knows.
• Hank Blalock - the same Hank Blalock who hasn't played in 3 weeks and just HAD A RIB REMOVED FROM HIS BODY
• Nick Punto - Yes, Nick Punto

Atkins is without a doubt the single biggest non-injury bust in fantasy baseball this year. He is currently hitting .220 with an OPS of .628. He's been dropped to 6th in the lineup.

Looking to next week, I have a feeling this team is going to turn it around. This is the week JD Drew breaks out of his slump. Atkins is at home all week so he's got to start hitting right? And Berkman, well I really need Berkman to start hitting, so I'll go ahead and predict that he does. That way, I'll really have something to bitch about next week.

UPDATE: My decision to not add Youkilis played at least a minor part in my loss in that league. I played Bonds instead of Youk and he went 2-14, whereas Youkilis went an astonishing 12-28, getting 2 hits in all 6 games he played. I lost the hits category by so much, it didn't matter, but it would had been a lot closer if I'd had those 12 hits, and my opponent had played JD Drew and his 2 hits.

Week Seven

Week 7 was not as kind as week 6. In one league, I was crushed 9-3 by the team in second to last place. The main culprit was the return to form of Lance Berkman. By "form" I of course mean his season long slump. At this point in the season, he has hit 1 (one) double. Just one.

He's not alone, as this team is just being dragged down by the terribility (new word) of Konerko, JD Drew, Atkins and Berkman. They are killing me. KILLING ME. Felipe Lopez, the leadoff hitter for the worst offense in baseball has more homers and RBI's right now than JD Drew, the number 5 hitter on the best team in baseball.

Lance Berkman is fucking terrible. TERRIBLE.

For the week, this little team hit a mear .248 with an OPS of .766. But hey, at least the team I was playing finished the week with an ERA of 1.78, so that was easy to keep up with. But those things will happen against guys who start Jeff Francis in Colorado and Cliff Lee. Sure. Why not.

Also, Ichiro stole 8 bases this week. 8 bases. That's fun.

Side note: I feel I may have made my first and worst bad roster decision. As I was on my way out the door on Friday, I thought about adding Youkilis, who has been pretty hot these last few days. I was rushed, and I didn't do it, temporarily deciding to hold onto to struggling starter Dave Bush instead. I woke up on Saturday and immediately realized my folly, only to then find that someone else had added Youkilis. Of course, it's the guy I'm playing next week. Hopefully, this won't come back to bite me.

Week Six

Week six saw me dominate fantasy baseball like an all anal Tera Patrick movie dominates adult video sales. Admittedly, a long winded analogy, but a strong one nonetheless.

Three leagues, three victories. How did it happen?

Team #1 was lead by a surprise player and two disappointing starts.
Team #2 was lead by two superstars who are finally starting to carry the load.
Team #3 was helped along by my opponent's inability to hit.


Team #1 got great weeks out of Hardy (3 HR's, 8RBI), Sheffield (2 HR's, 6 Runs), and super slumper Lance Berkman (3 HR's, 8 Runs, 6 RBI) who had his first big week of the season.

Team #2 was lead by Teixeira (10 Hits, 1.143 OPS) and Wright (9-24 and 3 SB's) who are finally giving us fantasy owners what they hoped for when we used high draft picks on them. Those of us who have spent many, many nights swearing at these two guys certainly felt a little bad about wishing Syphilis on these sluggers. As a side note, my replacement catcher Bengie Molina started the week with a two homer, 5 RBI game. As he headed into Colorado for four games, expectations were high. He got 1 more hit. Thankfully, I survived.

Team #3 was lead by Holliday's 3 HR's and 1.33 OPS, but was mostly due to the fact that opponent hit like a bitch. His .613 OPS lead to his quick demise. That and my team ERA and WHIP of 2.67 ad 1.03.

Week Five

Tension.

A simple word. And perhaps, a word that never fully conveys what the user of it is trying to illustrate. For example, a person who is trying to finish the SAT's in time would say that they felt tension, but it's so much more than that. Ditto the person tossing loose dirt over the corpse of another bloodied streetwalker, trying desperately to cover their handywork before sun up. Was there tension? Of course. Was it the same feeling as trying to finish the reading comprehension portion of my SAT's? Actually, it almost was, because, admittedly, while taking the SAT's, my thoughts would often drift toward mudering prostitutes, burying them and planting a garden of pachysandra vines over the corpses. Why? Because I held steadfast to the belief that the pachysandra would act as a metaphysical prison to the souls of those poor ladies of the night. Now of course I know better and understand that we humans don't have souls and that pachysandra is really more of a shrub than a vine. But hey, I went to private school.

Another such example of tension occured during the fifth week of the baseball season, as my opponent in my longest running fantasy league was none other than my wife. It's a rough, sex-free seven days. The trick really, is to just not talk about it. We check our Stattrackers silently and follow our teams without much discussion. Eventually, as the week draws to a close, the one of us in the lead, also known as "me" will casually and very condescendingly say something like "gee, honey, you might win saves." If one of us says something like this to the other, you can rest assured that other person might ONLY win saves.

This week, however, something beautiful happened. We tied. Probably the best possible outcome (other than a 12-0 victory for me). No ill feelings are harbored. I don't have to complain about the 18 hits she got out of Hunter/Rowand and she doesn't have to complain about the 18 K's I got from Sabathia. All's well that ends well. (Though I am a little peeved that my 9 saves in the week weren't enough to win the category)

In my Keeper league this week, I was thankful, as were many others for the stats provided (finally) by Teixeira and Sheffield, who combined for 5 HR's, 13 RBI and an OPS over 1.200. Even David Wright chipped in with a pair of homers. It's been a long time coming. I also learned a valuable lesson: Never think you got a lucky break.I was playing a team with McCann, who re-injured his finger and had to miss a few games. "What luck," I thought. Sure enough, the next fucking day, Piazza fucks up his shoulder and is out for a month. More importantly, he's out for the rest of the week, and as it is a weekly league, all I can do is rip out my pubic hair in disgust.