"I have all the offensive categories locked up, barring a cataclysmic offensive collapse."
Never, ever let yourself say something like to a person. In particular if that person has a memory so strong that he can remember how many sweaters you owned in college and is likely to throw anything you say back in your face if and when your offense vanishes without a trace. I said this on the phone to a friend of mine Wednesday night when I had comfortable leads across the board offensively. As late as midnight Thursday, I was leading the week 10-1. How the week ended, well it's the stuff of legends.
I got great starts to the week from A-Rod, Holliday, Derrek Lee and Ian Kinsler. Their production, through Thursday, was however, hiding a larger problem. A problem which had risen to the forefront by Sunday. For the week, Bobby Abreu, JD Drew, Carlos Delgado and Bill Hall went a combined 8-88 (.091) with a homer, 2 RBI and six runs. Most of this took place from Thursday through Sunday, during which time my team lost leads of 12 hits and over 120 points of OPS. Carlos Delgado's season so far has been horrible. He's battting under .200, and still said to a reporter that he doesn't think he's in a slump. Oh great.
Of course, my offense only tells half the story. The other half is a story of my bullpen, which blew more saves (4) than it converted all week (3). The most impressive of which took place on that fateful Wednesday night when two of my closers (Wickman and Borowski) blew wins for two of my starters (Hudson and Sabathia). The real sting of this impressive event wasn't felt until Sunday night when the week's stats are final and of course, I'd lost by one win and one save. It's almost funny, or at least it would be if I didn't have both Hudson and Sabathia on two of my three teams.
The good news continue of course, because now Harden won't be returning as scheduled (I really don't know why I picked him - twice - this year).
(Side Note: HOLY SHIT, TEIXEIRA HOMERED TWICE THIS WEEK!! SHEFFIELD PUT UP SOME DECENT NUMBERS! wright still sucks, and if hadn't been for Wickman and Torres - admittedly, my fault for owning Torres - I might have actually won a week in my keeper league. Also, in that league, I completed my first trade: Kent for Arroyo. I can't tell you how nice it is to get Derek Lowe out of my fucking lineup, and how much nicer it will be when/if Harden comes back)
Sunday, April 29, 2007
Week Three
Another week, another 7 days spent wondering when Mark Teixeira, Gary Sheffield and David Wright will hit the ball with any authority. What these three are doing to me and thousands of other losers just like me is borderline criminal.
Wright was my second round pick, and Teixeira my third (he slipped all the way to #30 overall - in a KEEPER LEAGUE!). That they have, to date, combined for 7 RBI and ZERO home runs is not just troubling, it's deadly.
This week may have been their worst so far. Wright and Teixeira combined to go 8-44 with 2 RBI. That's a .181 average for those of you still reading. Somehow it gets worse, though. Add in Rafael Furcal and it becomes:
12 - 75 with still 2 RBI (.160 avg)
Add in Gary Sheffield and it gets worse:
14 - 93 with 3 RBI (.150 avg)
May as well toss in Piazza to get to rock bottom.
16 - 109 with 4 RBI (.146 avg)
That's half of my offense, which was outperformed by my opponent's catcher for fuck's sake:
Michael Barrett: 8-21, 4 HR, 10 RBI
This is killing me. Great weeks by Hafner and Bonds are completely wasted by these five deadbeats dragging me down like a Nicolas Cage haircut.
Thankfully, the moron I was playing started Jeff Francis twice in Colorado, and despite losing BJ Ryan, my bullpen is holding together nicely, so I was able to salvage some of the pitching categories.
This is getting to be a broken record, but my team is going absolutely nowhere until Wright, Tex and Sheffield heat up. I'm so used to it after three weeks that it's hard to that angry about it. Maybe I'm just tired, but I've started considering any outfield outs they make to be small victories.
Wright was my second round pick, and Teixeira my third (he slipped all the way to #30 overall - in a KEEPER LEAGUE!). That they have, to date, combined for 7 RBI and ZERO home runs is not just troubling, it's deadly.
This week may have been their worst so far. Wright and Teixeira combined to go 8-44 with 2 RBI. That's a .181 average for those of you still reading. Somehow it gets worse, though. Add in Rafael Furcal and it becomes:
12 - 75 with still 2 RBI (.160 avg)
Add in Gary Sheffield and it gets worse:
14 - 93 with 3 RBI (.150 avg)
May as well toss in Piazza to get to rock bottom.
16 - 109 with 4 RBI (.146 avg)
That's half of my offense, which was outperformed by my opponent's catcher for fuck's sake:
Michael Barrett: 8-21, 4 HR, 10 RBI
This is killing me. Great weeks by Hafner and Bonds are completely wasted by these five deadbeats dragging me down like a Nicolas Cage haircut.
Thankfully, the moron I was playing started Jeff Francis twice in Colorado, and despite losing BJ Ryan, my bullpen is holding together nicely, so I was able to salvage some of the pitching categories.
This is getting to be a broken record, but my team is going absolutely nowhere until Wright, Tex and Sheffield heat up. I'm so used to it after three weeks that it's hard to that angry about it. Maybe I'm just tired, but I've started considering any outfield outs they make to be small victories.
Thursday, April 26, 2007
Week Two
Week two saw me take the worst beating I've suffered in Head-to-Head Fantasy Baseball in 3 years. It was horrible, painful and slow. Like getting fucked in the ass by your father. It hurts, but mostly because of the shame.
Having lost Matsui to injury in Week One, I needed a replacement. I settled on Reed Johnson, mostly for his ability to score runs in that powerful Toronto lineup. Sure enough, 3 games (and 3 runs) into the week, Johnson required back surgery. He's out two months. Again, I'm glad this is a weekly league, so I then had to absorb 4 days getting zero production from two outfield spots. The first because of Johnson's injury and the second because I have Gary Sheffield. The angry slugger went a robust 2-24 with a .396 OPS. That's OPS. On base plus Slugging. .396. Amazing.
Now, blaming those two guys alone would be like blaming Nicole Richie for ever anorexic girl in America. This debacle was a team effort. I had 7 (SEVEN) players put up an OPS under .600. We only start 10 players. Really think about that. I had no shot. And I got crushed.
The worst part about it was that the team I was playing also had a lousy week, but despite that I had no chance. Felix Hernandez's one hitter at Fenway didn't help, especially since we use Batting Average Against as a category, but this one just wasn't meant to be. My team just didn't hit.
A strength of my team was supposed to be the bullpen, headed up by BJ Ryan and Francisco Cordero. Ryan killed me this week. Killed me. 1.2 innings, 3 ER and WHIP over 2. Now I hear rumors that he might be hurt. Of course he is. I have no doubt about it. Just what I want to hear.
Now of course, there's nothing I can do about my offense. I just have to wait for Hafner, Teixeira, Wright, Sheffield, Matsui and Furcal to come around. Hopefully, I won't be in dead fucking last by the time they do.
Having lost Matsui to injury in Week One, I needed a replacement. I settled on Reed Johnson, mostly for his ability to score runs in that powerful Toronto lineup. Sure enough, 3 games (and 3 runs) into the week, Johnson required back surgery. He's out two months. Again, I'm glad this is a weekly league, so I then had to absorb 4 days getting zero production from two outfield spots. The first because of Johnson's injury and the second because I have Gary Sheffield. The angry slugger went a robust 2-24 with a .396 OPS. That's OPS. On base plus Slugging. .396. Amazing.
Now, blaming those two guys alone would be like blaming Nicole Richie for ever anorexic girl in America. This debacle was a team effort. I had 7 (SEVEN) players put up an OPS under .600. We only start 10 players. Really think about that. I had no shot. And I got crushed.
The worst part about it was that the team I was playing also had a lousy week, but despite that I had no chance. Felix Hernandez's one hitter at Fenway didn't help, especially since we use Batting Average Against as a category, but this one just wasn't meant to be. My team just didn't hit.
A strength of my team was supposed to be the bullpen, headed up by BJ Ryan and Francisco Cordero. Ryan killed me this week. Killed me. 1.2 innings, 3 ER and WHIP over 2. Now I hear rumors that he might be hurt. Of course he is. I have no doubt about it. Just what I want to hear.
Now of course, there's nothing I can do about my offense. I just have to wait for Hafner, Teixeira, Wright, Sheffield, Matsui and Furcal to come around. Hopefully, I won't be in dead fucking last by the time they do.
Saturday, April 14, 2007
Week One
So with week one in the books, I have a few players on my roster(s) that I would like to thank for truly stepping up to the plate and fucking me right in the asshole.
First and foremost is Gary Sheffied, who must be too tired from terrorizing his teammates and his book editor (What?) to muster something better than an average of .176. The guy who was supposed to bring plate discipline to the tigers looked like he was teaching plate discipline to Rosie O'Donnell. (See what I did there? I changed the type of plate from homeplate to dinner plate. I did this to imply that both Sheffield sucked and O'Donnell is fat) Sheffield's .273 OBP for the week was not textbook leading by example. But hey, it wasn't Shef's fault, he just put some cream that someone gave him on his body, no questions asked.
This alone would probably sink most fantasy teams, but not mine. To get completely crushed in week 1, my tag team of all-stars needed more help. Thankfully, other hitters were more than happy to comply:
Lance Berkman swung his bat like he was trying to hit his wife (You know what I mean, a little angry so you want to make some contact, but at the same time, you know if you inflict any real damage that you're probably going to jail). He hit .190 with a shockingly low .583 OPS. That just can't last much longer, can it?
Amazingly, Lance (if that's not the gayest name this side of Ace, then I don't know what is) was outdone by my catcher, Michael (Jodi) Barrett, who steamrolled through the week with a .158 AVG and a .396 OPS. Yes, a .396 OPS. I'm relatively certain that if Barrett walked to the plate four times a game with his dick in his hands instead of a bat that his OPS could not possibly go down.
Garrett Atkins must have forgotten what R-B-I stands for, because he sure as hell didn't get any in week one. Of course it's hard to lay all the blame on him. It's gotta be hard to knock in Willy Tavares and Kazuo Matsui when they're all warm and cozy on the bench. Those two guys spent less time on a base than George W. Bush (that was a political joke, and to be fair, I don't really know if it makes any sense, or for that matter, who George W. Bush is).
These guys and more led to my team's demise at the hands of a .226 avg and a .676 OPS. Stellar.
I'd complain about my pitching, but since it's responsible for the only 3 categories I won in my matchup, I really don't have too much to say about it, other than after Josh Beckett walked David Dejesus to start the BOS-KC game, I wanted to fly to KC, walk out onto the field and shoot Beckett in the face. Thankfully, I did not.
Also, I am a full on believer in the Tim Hudson bounce back season. You read it here first.
For the upcoming week, I've decided to look at teams I'm playing and predict the unlikely shit player who will have a career week and help crush me. Week 2's predictions: Dan Uggla or Coco Crisp. Why? Because they suck.
Onto Week 2!!
First and foremost is Gary Sheffied, who must be too tired from terrorizing his teammates and his book editor (What?) to muster something better than an average of .176. The guy who was supposed to bring plate discipline to the tigers looked like he was teaching plate discipline to Rosie O'Donnell. (See what I did there? I changed the type of plate from homeplate to dinner plate. I did this to imply that both Sheffield sucked and O'Donnell is fat) Sheffield's .273 OBP for the week was not textbook leading by example. But hey, it wasn't Shef's fault, he just put some cream that someone gave him on his body, no questions asked.
This alone would probably sink most fantasy teams, but not mine. To get completely crushed in week 1, my tag team of all-stars needed more help. Thankfully, other hitters were more than happy to comply:
Lance Berkman swung his bat like he was trying to hit his wife (You know what I mean, a little angry so you want to make some contact, but at the same time, you know if you inflict any real damage that you're probably going to jail). He hit .190 with a shockingly low .583 OPS. That just can't last much longer, can it?
Amazingly, Lance (if that's not the gayest name this side of Ace, then I don't know what is) was outdone by my catcher, Michael (Jodi) Barrett, who steamrolled through the week with a .158 AVG and a .396 OPS. Yes, a .396 OPS. I'm relatively certain that if Barrett walked to the plate four times a game with his dick in his hands instead of a bat that his OPS could not possibly go down.
Garrett Atkins must have forgotten what R-B-I stands for, because he sure as hell didn't get any in week one. Of course it's hard to lay all the blame on him. It's gotta be hard to knock in Willy Tavares and Kazuo Matsui when they're all warm and cozy on the bench. Those two guys spent less time on a base than George W. Bush (that was a political joke, and to be fair, I don't really know if it makes any sense, or for that matter, who George W. Bush is).
These guys and more led to my team's demise at the hands of a .226 avg and a .676 OPS. Stellar.
I'd complain about my pitching, but since it's responsible for the only 3 categories I won in my matchup, I really don't have too much to say about it, other than after Josh Beckett walked David Dejesus to start the BOS-KC game, I wanted to fly to KC, walk out onto the field and shoot Beckett in the face. Thankfully, I did not.
Also, I am a full on believer in the Tim Hudson bounce back season. You read it here first.
For the upcoming week, I've decided to look at teams I'm playing and predict the unlikely shit player who will have a career week and help crush me. Week 2's predictions: Dan Uggla or Coco Crisp. Why? Because they suck.
Onto Week 2!!
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