Week Twenty-Six

So at this point, I've made it to the finals in one league and I'm stuck in two consolation matchups for 3rd place.



Let's focus on the only matchup that means anything and that would be the 2-week Yahoo final round against the #6 seed in my LongTime Yahoo League. The #6 beat both #3 and #2 on his journey to the finals, so he was definitely the hot team going in. In this league, it's my last year of keeping Arod and Hafner so I'd like to go out with a bang. Besides, despite catching fire, the team I'm playing was under .500 in the regular season and since I had the best record in the league, I'd like to think the odds were in my favor.



The only roster move I made before we got started was to add John Maine (who'd recently been dropped) for a spot start in Washington. I'm just not sure how much I can expect to get out of Sabathia and Lackey, whose teams are cruising into the playoffs. Maine made 32 starts in 2007 and allowed 8 earned runs in exactly 1 (one) of those starts. Which one? You guessed it, this one.



This would have been a much bigger problem if my opponent didn't have Kelvim Escobar, who spent the last few weeks killing my other fantasy teams but finally helped me out a little here by doing to him what Maine did to me. (By the way, in his next start, Maine K'd 14 and allowed 1 hit. I didn't start him)



My opponent was carried through the playoffs primarily by the bats of Alfonso Soriano and Aramis Ramirez. It seemed like one of them was homering every day, and in many cases, they both were. Soriano hit 6 home runs alone in the last two weeks and Ramirez chipped in 3. Unfortunately for my opponent, that was more than the rest of his team combined. He got very little out of Tejada, Morneau, Dye and LaRoche and his Cinderalla story came crashing to an end. His pumpkin carriage in flames and all the horses dead.



What I'm trying to do is add a little drama to a situation that had none of its own. This battle was over very quickly, as I ended up with almost double his offensive stats in a couple of categories. My team was led all year by Arod and Holliday and during the finals, Tulowitzki, Ibanez, Derrek Lee, Corey Hart, Abreu and Khalil Greene all chipped in with at least 3 homers and double digit runs or RBI. I had 6 guys with an OPS over 1.000. It was a team effort. And nothing gave me more joy than hearing my withered and beaten opponent complaining daily about any of those guys. Usually it was Greene, whom I grabbed off the scrap heap in early September, on whom my opponent directed most of his fury. And rightly so, as Greene led my team with 6 homers.



In the end, it was a massacre.



Runs Hits HR RBI SB OPS W S K ERA WHIP K/BB
Need A Job 122 170 32 113 5 .927 12 11 86 3.67 1.22 4.10
I Laid Maddie 73 154 17 76 6 .826 6 8 105 4.89 1.45 2.44





The Final Score was 10-2 and the championship and what comes with it (bragging rights, pride, and a temporary feeling that the last 6 and a half months were not completely wasted) was mine.



There's no better feeling than beating your close friend at something, the outcome of which is largely determined by the actions of others and out of your control. It just feels good. I get a warm wave of emotion all over whenever I think about it. Which is more often than I'll admit

* * *

In my other two leagues, I emerged victorious in my battles for 3rd place. Hollow victories, if ever there were any, despite the fact that in one league, 3rd place won me $65.



And with that, the fantasy season is over. Done. Kaput. Time well spent if you ask me. Besides when I'm laying on my deathbed, what else do I want to be thinking about.



In 2 of my leagues, I have keeper decisions to make and I'll be writing about them occasionally. Not that anybody's reading this. Or missing anything if they aren't.



Good times.

Week Twenty-Five

This was week 1 of my 2 week LongTime League Yahoo final, and the semifinals in my Keeper League. I'll save all the Yahoo talk for next week. Let's talk about my keeper league.

I had the #4 seed and was playing the #1 seed. I liked my chances. I had 7 starts and a quality stable of middle relievers able to get wins, K's and keep everything else down. My opponent only had 6 starts, so I had a good shot at K's and wins. My offense was on a roll, with Furcal finally running and Piazza heating up.

On Monday morning, if I had made a list of 5 things that could possibly go horribly wrong and derail my run to the finals. It would look something like this.

1. Hot-hitting Rafael Furcal will get hurt in the first of 4 games in Colorado to start the week and not return.

2. Mike Piazza will no longer be in the starting lineup. He will only pinch hit 1 time in each game.

3. The day of his first start of the week (Tuesday) James Shields will be shut down for the season, leaving me with a completely useless active roster spot and 2 fewer starts than I was counting on.

4. Kelvim Escobar will continue his September struggles and get killed once again.

5. Jacquin Benoit, set up pitcher extraordinaire of the Rangers, will be given 3 save chances this week and he will blow them all. He will not recieve any vulture wins in those games.

Here's the shocker. All 5 of those things happened. They actually happened. Rafael Furcal, coming off of a week in which he stole 8 bases and scored 9 runs hurt his back on Monday in Colorado. He would not return all week, finishing at 0-3. Mike Piazza would stop starting games, going 0-6 as a pinch hitter. That's 2 spots in my lineup. 2 spots. 2 spots that combined to 0-9. This was the single most important week of my season in this league. How does a team make that up?

At least Teixeira, Rollins, Ibanez and Wright got the memo:
Teixeira: 8-26, 8 H, 2B, 2 HR, 6 RBI, 5 R, 2 BB, 0.977 OPS
Ibanez: 12-29, 12 H, 3 2B, 3B, 2 HR, 8 RBI, 7 R, BB, 1.226 OPS
Rollins: 9-36, 9 H, 2 2B, 2 HR, 5 RBI, 5 R, SB, BB, 0.742 OPS
Wright: 14-31, 14 H, 5 2B, 7 RBI, 7 R, 3 SB, 2 BB, 1.099 OPS

Hafner even chipped in 1 homer and Matsui woke up enough to hit 2. I had a real good offensive week from those 6 players. Unfortunately, my offense was made up of 10.

My replacement for Theriot was Mark Loretta, who was in the midst of an 11 game hitting streak when Monday came around. Houston had 7 games during the week, all at home. Seemed like a good bet. The good news - Loretta didn't lose his hitting streak this week. The bad news - he only played in 4 games, going 5-16. What the fuck? Why are none of my players fucking playing? Thank god this is a weekly league, so I can't do a thing about it. I can just sit there and watch my chances of winning money vanish.

Meanwhile, my opponent's hitters didn't take so much as a few innings off. Not that it mattered. His 2 marquee hitters - Howard and Thome - fucking killed me. They were unreal.

Howard: 8-23, 8 H, 2B, 4 HR, 10 RBI, 6 R, 12 BB, 1.496 OPS
Thome: 8-18, 8 H, 2 2B, 4 HR, 7 RBI, 6 R, 2 BB, 1.722 OPS

8 homers and 17 RBI between them. And an OPS closer to 2 than to 1. Ridiculous. Only 1 other hitter on his team had an OPS over .900 and the other 8 players hit 3 homers combined.
I suppose it only really gets funny when looking at the final numbers, which resulted in a depressing 8-2-2 finish.

I lost hits by 4, homers by 2, and tied in RBI and Steals. I can't help but wonder how my numbers would have looked had Furcal and/or Piazza actually played some baseball. A safe assumption would probably be that they would have combined for 5 hits, 1 steal and at least a single RBI.

That would have made the score 7-5. Still a loss, but certainly closer. Now let's look at pitching. Had Shields made his two scheduled starts and not been shut down "as a precaution" I probably would have made up the 9 K's that I lost by. That would make the score 6-6. Interesting....

But hey, why bother thinking about that. It just angries up the blood. Why not focus on the Red Sox game in Toronto in which Eric "Bye bye millions of dollars" Gagne choked away a 2-1 win for the Red Sox in the 8th inning, turning it into a 4-2 loss. I think about this game particularly because my opponent started AJ Burnett last week, and sure as shit, Burnett picked up the win in that game. Thanks Gagne. Thanks. Number of wins I lost by? You guessed it just 1.

Kill me.

Without a doubt, the worst thing that happened out of all of this was the pathetic message board trash talk thrown up by the moron who beat me (team name "Jackalopes" by the way) in which he stated "I just beat the piss out of your team." When I pointed out that my shortstop had given me only 3 at bats all week and 1 of my pitchers - instead of starting twice - sat it all out, he responded by writing: "That's what you get for starting Furcol." Furcol. Furcol. That's what it's come to. I lose to people who don't know how to spell. He also put a poll up on our league page, which I will copy and paste for your enjoyment:


"Three Coles signed there name to a Wedding Card, which one didn't have there girlfriends name on the check???"

Obviously, unaware that "there" and "their" are not the same thing.

But I digress. I'm obviously just upset about my team not getting it done. And the fact that I was done in by the format of our league (weekly changes) and not my team's poor showing. Like in real baseball, bad luck can derail a playoff run as quickly as bad performance.

Week Twenty-Four

So my playoffs begin. I had three matchups this week, so I'll break them down briefly. I would say the most painful thing about the bye weeks was watching my best hitter (Arod) homer 7 times and my best pitcher (sabathia) throw 17 scoreless innings.

LongTime Yahoo League

Here, I had the #1 seed and was facing off against my wife in the semis. Last season, we also met here, and the outcome was the same. As I mentioned before, her pitching staff is a joke. She knows this. She drafted Carpenter as her #1 and just never recovered. Her ace for most of the season was Cole Hamels, but he got hurt.

She has a good bullpen that put up 8 saves and a solid offense, but never really had a chance this week and I took her down 11-1. Coincidentally, those were also my odds of getting laid that week.

Other Yahoo League

Here, I had the #2 seed. I thought I was in trouble going into the week because I had to watch last week as Sabathia, Beckett and Hudson all pitched twice during my bye week. This proved to be a big deal as the guy I was playing (#6 seed) had 2 starts from Peavy.

Sadly, my offense - led by Braun, Hanley Ramirez and the struggling Berkman, Hafner, Atkins and Sheffield - stumbled a bit.

Ramirez (.450, 2HR, 3 SB), Atkins (.429, 2HR, 4BI) and newly acquired hot bat Garrett Anderson (.348, 1HR, 5RBI) put up solid numbers.

Unfortunately Braun, Berkman, Hafner and Sheffield combined to hit just over .200. They chipped in a few homers, but not enough to make a difference. The real killers of my team, hoever, turned out to be at catcher and 2nd base. Which is probably where they often are. I wonder if I should show more interest in position scarcity next year? I know I won't, but should I?

On draft day, I selected Michael Barrett and Freddie Sanchez to fill those two spots. Not surprisingly, both are free agents in most leagues right now. For this week, I was going with Ryan Theriot and AJ Pierzynski. Monday-Friday, Theriot hit .080. He stole a base, but I still wanted to kill him. Friday night (yes, I don't have anything better to do on a Friday than make roster changes in a fantasy baseball league that isn't even for money) I replaced him with Pedroia, who was somehow a free agent. Pedroia finished the week going 0-8. AJ hit .118 for the week with a sub .300 OPS and a single steal.

For the week, I won steals by 3 and lost AVG and OPS by a decent margin. Most people wouldn't take the time to do the math, but I'm not most people. If I had simply not played anybody at catcher or 2b I would have won the week and moved on. Yes, my AVG and OPS would have been high enough to win. It wasn't though. And I lost to the #6 seed. A #6 seed who had named his team "Arod in Your Pujols" and thought himself clever for doing so.

CBS Keeper League

With the #4 seed here, I was playing the #5 seed, who happens to be my closest friend in this league. We met 3 times during the regular season and I had edged him out 19-16-1. My pitching was usually better than his and his Arod-led offense was usually better than mine.

I have often talked about the fact that I always seem to have a player just shit all over himself each week. A player who throws up an OPS under .300 or a pitcher who just gets crushed. This week was no different as Theriot went 2-25 with a steal and a .320 OPS. Generally, my opponents don't seem to do this. Or at least, didn't seem to do it.

This week, my buddy's team just completley folded. Disappeared. I had to go back 8 weeks to find an offensive output by his team that was this bad. His team put up 7 homers, which matched the total that his third baseman had put up the week before. C Figgins stole 5 bases, and Todd Helton hit 2 homers in one game for the first time since 2005, but that was really all he had. 6 of his 10 players had an OPS between .400-.650. That's just not getting it done.

That's even without mentioning the 5.35 ERA and 1.60 WHIP that his pitching staff coughed up, led by Kyle Kendrick (who was hit by a batted ball in the 4th inning, which probably helped his ERA) and Shawn Marcum. Marcum had been invaluable in a weekly league that allows an owner to put him in an RP spot all season. But not this week, as both the Yankees and Red Sox beat him around to the tune of a 10.60 ERA. It was the worst week I'd seen him have all season and for me, it couldn't have come at a better time.

My pitching was lead by James Shields, who's been a revelation since a midseason slump caused some idiot in my league to drop him. He went eight 4-hit innings and Blanton chipped in two quality wins. Kelvim Escobar continued what has become a troubling September slump by allowing another 6 runs. My Kevin Correia experiment is over. His ERA was good again, but his WHIP is high and seems to throw about 35 pitches per inning. Half of which tend to be balls.

For my offense, with the exception of Theriot, nobody had an OPS under .700, and Piazza might be ready for a nice hot streak, as he put up an OPS of 1.343. But the story of my team was the inspired return of Rafael Furcal and Jimmy Rollins who both stole a whopping 8 bases for the week. Furcal in fact, stole 4 in one game alone. This is what I've been waiting for. What all Furcal owners (and the Dodgers for that matter) have been waiting for, and it couldn't be coming at a better time.

Looking Ahead

In Yahoo, the finals are 2 weeks long, so in my LongTime League, I square off against the #6 seed, who upset the #2. Frankly, his team is unimposing. He has Santana and Escobar on the mound and an offense led by a bunch of Cubs (Soriano and Ramirez) and Morneau. I expect to win and win big.

CBSsportsline is set up for only a 1 week final. So this coming week is the Semis. I am unfortunately playing the #1 seed. His offense is led by Ryan Howard and Jim Thome with some help from Guerrero. He's got a good staff, but with Furcal scorching hot (and heading into Colorado for 4 games) and Piazza heating up, I just need a few more big games from Teixeira and Wright and maybe Hafner to step it up and I can win this and have a shot at $500. I'll have 2 starts from Smoltz and Shields and 2 from Kenny Rogers (at home vs. White Sox and in KC, both good matchups for Wins). Blanton is on the road so he's out and I guess I'll give Escobar one more shot to turn his September around. He's been so good for me, I feel like I have to. Of course, he doesn't know who I am, so he feels nothing. This could cost me.

Week Twenty-Three

In my two Yahoo leagues, the 23rd week of the fantasy baseball season is the first round of the playoffs. Due to both solid managing and unintelligent opponents, I had byes in both leagues, earning the top seed in one league and the second seed in the other.

In my keeper league, however, playoff races were still alive and well. The first 3 playoff spots were determined, but there were 4 teams within 6 games of each other for the final 3. I had the best record of the 4, so it would take an impressive collapse to keep me out, but like a porch at Tom Arnold's house, I was due for a collapse. And besides, I started Bonderman again.

Bonderman had 2 starts. Why I thought he might be good escapes me at the moment. The point is, he wasn't. His combined totals from his two starts were ugly. Sarah Jessica Parker ugly:

6.2 INN, 14 HA, 4 BB, 4 K, 9 ER

He put a nice exclamation point on what has truly been a huge collapse for him in the second half. He is reason number one for the Tiger's disappearance in the standings. Thankfully for me, my opponent started Dontrelle Willis and Braden Looper, who combined for 3 starts, and also suck. They were almost worse:

12.2 INN, 23 HA, 5BB, 10K, 15 ER

Smoltz threw 7 one-hit innings, Shields was dominant for 2 starts and I cruised to a 5-0-1 record in the pitching categories.

On the offensive side, there was the good:
Hafner (2HR, 8 RBI)
Ibanez (2 HR, 6 RBI)
Teixeira (HR, 4RBI)
Wright (2 HR, 4RBI)

There was the bad:
Furcal (2-26, .151 OPS)
Bay (3-15, .600 OPS)
Matsui (1-16, .348 OPS)

And there was the ugly:
Matsui again. God bless him, he's just not a handsome man.

Furcal has just been nothing but a disappointment in almost every week but that one in May when he had about 18 hits. He doesn't run and he won't even sniff the 14 HR he hit last year. But then again, I drafted him on at least two of my three teams, which meant, frankly that he had to disappoint. Here's a list of all the players that I drafted at least twice this year. Enjoy.

Rich Harden
BJ Ryan
JD Drew
Rafael Furcal
Gary Sheffield
Travis Hafner

Not a great list. Not a lot of expectations exceeded here. Thankfully I had the common sense to avoid Vernon Wells and the good fortune to not draft Chris Carpenter.

But back to the week in question. I always seem to have a player who just shits himself and produces a 2-20 week. Gary Sheffield has done it at least 4 times. Nobody I play ever has a player do that poorly. I never see a guy I'm going against put up an OPS under .300. It's not like my guys are bad, I just always have someone vanish for 7 days. Regardless, I won a weak HR battle 9-6, making this now 6 consecutive weeks for my team without double digit homers. Could be an issue come playoff time.

I eeked out RBI by 2, tied in runs and lost the rest to finish the week 7-3-2 and sit pretty with the #4 seed heading into the playoffs.

I have a hard choice coming up. Do I stick with Jason Bay, who has still been terrible since I traded for him, or put Sheffield back in my lineup? Sheffield hasn't been the same since his shoulder injury, but has been doing a little better of late. It's usually customary for me to go down swinging with my best guys. Or at least the guys I've had from the beginning. If I lost and Sheffield hit 3 homers on my bench it would be a lot more upsetting then if Bay exploded on my bench.

You know things are going well when you make lineup decisions based on who you would rather lose with.

Looking Ahead

I have 3 playoff matchups next week including one against my wife, who won her first round matchup despite having easily the worst pitching staff in the league. With Cole Hamels on the DL, she has no starting pitcher ranked in the top 200. Seriously. Her staff is headined by the likes of Joel Pineiro, Doug Davis and Brian Bannister. Seriously. How did she win, you ask? Funny story. Not funny "ha ha" or funny "chuckle, chuckle" but the kind of funny that doesn't elicit any laughter at all. Like "just got caught masturbating funny," or "really bad hangnail" funny.

Anyway, sometimes the most important thing that happens in a matchup occurs before the matchup even starts. Sunday morning (sunday is the last day we can add players and have them be active for the following week) the team with the #2 seed dropped Daisuke Matsuzaka. Dice-K had been struggling and has looked tired. However, he's still a 200 K guy with great win potential. Naturally, the biggest pussyface in our league jumped all over him and expected Dice-K, with 2 starts no less, to help him expell my wife from the playoffs.

Obviously, he should have run that plan past Matsuzaka first, who proceeded to win one of those 2 starts, and put up an ERA of 16.88 with a WHIP of 2.50. Numbers so bad, that not even Doug Davis, Roger Clemens or Paul Byrd could have been worse, and my wife moved on. Take out Dice-K's numbers and she loses. That's good stuff. Especially since the team she beat is the same team that beat me in the finals last year when 8 of my starting 12 hitters took the last day of the season off. Do I hold a grudge? Short answer: Yes.

Week Twenty-Two

I don't know where to begin here. Should I start with the fact that after Thursday night's games I was ahead 10-1-1 but ended up losing? Or should I focus on the closeness of my losing? Since nobody is reading this anyway, it hardly matters so I'll start wherever the fuck I want.

I think I'll start with the good. Jimmy Rollins was far and away my team's MVP for the week, as he tallied 17 hits, 3 HR's, 9 Runs and 3 Steals, helping me to win all 4 of those categories. David Wright added a 2 homer, 2 steal week and even more tantalizingly, Travis Hafner seems to be coming around a bit. This is more exciting to me than running into Hillary Duff (and I do mean running into). Hafner homered, knocked in 6 runs and finished the week with a respectable OPS of .819.

Also on the positive side, I started Kevin Correia this week in Washington. He was making just his third start of the season after pitching out of the pen for the first 4 months, but I saw him pitch vs. Atlanta and he looked really good. This decision bucked a trend and went well for me, as he allowed 2 runs over 6 innings for the victory. That's about the only positive stuff I can write about for the week. Oh wait, I didn't die. I got an ear infection, but that can hardly be blamed on fantasy baseball.

The only closer I start is Francisco Cordero. Why? Injuries and a slow trigger on the waiver wire. Regardless, Friday morning, I'm up 2-0 in saves. Friday night, Jacquin Beniot (one of my relievers) comes in to close out a 4 run lead in the ninth. What does he do? He gives up a double and walk. This creates a save chance, and since managers manage games by this statistic more than any other, it was time for Texas closer to come in. Their closer, CJ Wilson is one of my most hated major leaguers. I hold him personally responsible for my losing one of my leagues in the finals last year because it was his errant fastball that prematurely ended Hafner's 2006 season.

More importantly - right now - is the fact that Wilson is on my opponent's team. Now my reliever has created a save chance for his reliever, which puts my in the odd position of having to hope that his reliever can pitch well and keep my reliever's runners from scoring and fucking up my ERA. What happens should be obvious. The first batter homers. That gives my reliever 2 Earned Runs and his reliever only 1. So then I root for Wilson to blow the save, which of course he does not. He immediately settles down and gets the save. Try and imagine a way, short of the computer electrocuting my testicles, for that inning to go worse for me.

Despite this, my pitching was still hanging on into Saturday. That's when Kelvim Escobar toed the rubber at home against the Rangers and their pathetic offense, for which Marlon Byrd has found himself the cleanup hitter. What does Escobar do? 2.2 innings, 6 runs. Brilliant.

By Sunday night, things had gotten messy. I found myself losing. I had gone back ahead in saves, thanks to Cordero. Unfortunately, he had given up 2 hits in that save which put my WHIP and BAA in jeopardy. From this point on, there were two at bats, moments if you will, that could have tipped the scales in either direction. You can guess which direction the scales were tipped.

Moment #1: The Sunday night game was Texas-Anaheim. Sure enough, the AL's second best team found itself trailing by 3 runs in the ninth - just enough for a save chance for my good buddy CJ Wilson. Wilson, however, struggles. By the time he has recorded two outs, two runs have score and the bases are loaded for Garrett Anderson. This is a big spot. At this moment, my WHIP is .002 higher and my BAA is about even. I'm on the wrong side of a 5-6-1 score. However, if Anderson can get a hit things will change. No save for Wilson means I'll keep that save point. The hit would raise his WHIP and BAA just above mine. 5-6-1 would become 7-4-1. Sure enough, Anderson makes a quick, suspenseless out. 4-6-2.

Moment #2: One of my opponent's closers, Todd Jones, is terrible. Late Sunday afternoon, he had blown a save vs. Oakland in which he had allowed 2 runs. The bases were still loaded against Jones with no outs when Mike Piazza, my catcher came to the plate. I ended the week tied in RBI, and while my hitters left an astonishing 7 men on third base with less than 2 outs this week (Matsui - 2, Hafner - 1, Bay - 2, Piazza - 1, Ibanez - 1) none were more painful than this. Piazza not only failed to get that run in, but he hits into a rally killing home to first double play. If he hits a fly ball, I gain a point to 5-6-1. If he gets a hit, then like with Wilson, I would have won WHIP and BAA, making the score 7-4-1. He did not. The next batter did not. And I did not.

In the end, I lost WHIP 1.366 to 1.364 and BAA .2733 to .2732. Painful. Just painful. When I think of all the infield singles and senseless walks to punchless hitters I'd seen during the week, I actually sweat with anger. I probably need an outlet for that. Beating the wife seems like the obvious choice, but I think I can come up with something more constructive. Maybe woodworking, model building or stalking Hillary Duff. Perhaps I should bottle it all up inside until I'm in my mid 40's and it all just explodes out of me onto some unexpected stranger or little league umpire. That's probably the way to go. That or Yoga.

Thankfully, the pain is eased by my big 9-2-1 win last week that all but guaranteed me a spot in the playoffs. Going into week 23, I'm in second place in my division, but only 5 games back of first despite having a .500 record. The logjam of teams behind me is so big that the 7th place team overall is just 6 games behind me and 1 game out 6th (the last playoff spot). Barring a collapse this week, I should be fine. I'm playing the last place team in my division, so a big win might even get me into first place and a first week bye in the playoffs. Might.

Looking Ahead

Did I just say "barring a collapse?" Why would I say that? Am I stupid? Well obviously, yes. Just one example is this very blog I'm writing which I probably read by fewer people than the screenplay for "Daddy Day Camp." I know I shouldn't make fun of Cuba Gooding Jr, but with this, Snow Dogs and Boat Trip, I can only hope that he's laughing. Because nobody else is (okay, fine, I laughed at Boat Trip, but if you can find me another movie showcasing an Oscar winner's ejaculate, I'd love to see it).

As I said, next week I'm playing the last place team in my division. I find this odd because after the draft, I thought he had a really good team. But a poor season from Delgado, a lack of power from Derrek Lee and ill advised trades of Grady Sizemore, CC Sabathia and Lance Berkman - the results of which netted him Renteria and Vernon Wells - have left his team in what very closely resembles shambles. They are both on his bench due to injury and lack of production respectively. Hopefully I can do something here.

I'm starting Bonderman this week. Twice. His last start was encouraging, though it was against KC. Blanton is back on the road and has struggled vs. the Angels in his career. I should do well in ERA, WHIP and BAA if only because he's starting Dontrelle Willis twice, and for some reason still has Joe Kennedy (who I just found out is now on Toronto) in his starting lineup. We both only have 1 closer. Saves will simply be a question of who gets luckier. Usually, I hate that question.

Week Twenty-One

It's a strange feeling to write a blog that isn't really angry. And why should it be. My losing streak is over. I finally won a week. My second since the All-Star break. With this big 9-2-1 win, I jumped from the 6th seed, just barely hanging on, to the 4th seed and looking pretty. Not physically pretty, but in good shape in the league.

My team got huge weeks from Teixeira (12 hits, 3 HR, 11 RBI, 8 Runs), Wright (1 HR, 7 Runs, 7 RBI, 3 SB), Furcal (11 hits, 8 Runs), Matsui (11 hits, 1.117 OPS) and Ibanez (11 hits, 2 HR, 5 RBI, 5 Runs). Those more than offset the poor weeks from Rollins and new catcher Yorvit Torrealba. Torrealba was playing in place of Piazza, who I decided to bench. Piazza outproduced Torrealba's week in one 4 hit, 5 RBI game. So that decision, like many that I've made this season and that one I made about shaving my balls, left shit on my hands.

Wandy Rodriguez sits on my bench until he starts at home, where he has a sparkling 1.65 ERA. This week he had two starts in Houston vs. Washington and Pittsburgh - two teams with no real offense to speak of. I guess I should say Rodriguez "had" that sparkling home ERA, because he no longer does. In 10.1 innings Wandy allowed 13 hits, 7 walks and 11 earned runs. Not good. So if I've learned nothing else this week, it's that guys with a "Y" in their first name are no longer welcome on my team. (Except for Theriot, who makes up for his first name in his last name. Also in the fact that he actually plays well)

Thankfully, the rest of my staff bailed him (me) out. Smoltz, Shields and Escobar combined for 4 wins and 30.1 quality innings in 4 starts. I can't help but say I got lucky in the bullpen, where Joaquin Beniot went 3.2 scoreless innings and picked up 2 very important vulture wins. That's the kind of thing I usually bitch about in this very space, but not this week. Another week, another 2 scoreless innings from Chamberlain. I can't help but think that streak will end badly. Even Cordero chipped in 0.1 scoreless innings this week. Thanks buddy, don't wear yourself out.

I can't help think that this blog has too much of a happy tone. If it does, it's probably because I haven't written one like it in 5 weeks. This is usually the part of the blog where I talk about how Hafner needs to fucking man up and find his balls. I can't make myself do it this time. He had 6 hits this week and even though only 1 was for extra bases, I'll give him a pass. I know that's important to him because every Monday I'm sure he reads this blog instead of checking the standings. Or spending time with his family. Or thinking about that $50Million contract he just signed. On another positive note for Hafner, my wife saw him in the dugout on TV the other night and said "he doesn't look as ugly as usual there." So good for him.

Looking Ahead

Next week is the second to last week before the Playoffs. I have a tough assignment to play the second best team in the league. He has Utley, who I hear is coming back, but as of Sunday night, he's still on his bench, with Mark Ellis in his lineup. He also has Aramis Ramirez who always seems hot when I play him. Oh and last time we faced off, Eric Byrnes stole 7 bases in one week. That fucker. I'm hoping to draw even and not lose any ground. Torrealba is out, Piazza is back in and Blanton has a start at home vs. Detroit so he's in and Wandy is long fucking gone.

He has more starts than me, so I added Kevin Correia of the Giants. He's in Washington this week and qualifies as a reliever. He's been solid as a starter and I need to get lucky. I wonder if I've said that before. I wonder if it was just outside a strip club. Or waiting in a VD clinic. Or watching my wife click on the "History" tab of our Internet Explorer....

Week Twenty

Clinging to the last playoff spot and riding a tough 4 week losing streak, I started week 20 against another divisional rival in a hole. My opponent had 9 starts and I only had 4. So right from the beginning, I was abandoning all hope in Win and K's. I set my sights on ERA, WHIP, BAA and Saves. Unfortunately, my best chance at winning the latter was starting Bob Wickman, which didn't exactly help my chances at the other three. I also benched Bonderman and put Cubs reliever Carlos Marmol in his place.

Inexplicably, I somehow won Wins 4-2. And that was with Wickman blowing a save for my starter (Smoltz). I got crushed in BAA and my WHIP of 1.25 was not getting it done. Ironically, it was my relievers that did the WHIP damage, led by Wickman (3.00) - who seems to be getting fatter and older by the second - F. Cordero (2.40) and Benoit (1.50). My ERA for the week was a sparkling 1.70, which got me that category. In Saves, the last category I was targeting, I accumlated 1. 1 save. Just 1 fucking save. My opponent's 3 closers got 8, including 3 from Bad Hennessey. Because if there's a consistent source of quality relief outings in MLB, it's definitely Brad Hennessey.

So in conclusion, I tried to win ERA, WHIP, BAA and Saves and I only won WHIP. I gave up on Wins and K's and somehow won Wins.

Onto the offense, where a couple of last minute decisions made all the difference. I benched Furcal for hot hitting Felipe Lopez and chose to stick with Sheffield over the simply hot Raul Ibanez. In a nutshell, these decisions were bad, and by "made all the difference," I mean "cost me OPS and HRs."

To say that Felipe Lopez was bad, would be like saying that Derek Jeter is overpaid, Christina Aguilera is hot and the 4 inch hair growing out of my wrist is weird. It would be a gargantuan understatement.
Lopez: 3-25, .305 OPS, No Runs, No RBI - This was coming off a week in which he had 7 of each.

It's not like Furcal tore the cover off the ball, but his .646 OPS was more than double that of the feeble Lopez.

To replace the struggling and now injured Hafner, I chose Sheffield (who I'd benched because of his shoulder) over Ibanez, who'd homered 5 times last week.
Good call?
No.
Sheffield: 5-28, .472 OPS, 1 RBI, 4 Runs
Ibanez: 9-21, 1.282 OPS, 2 HR, 5 RBI, 3 Runs

The problem here is that I lost HR by 2, and OPS by .017. Both of which would be easily trumped by Ibanez, had he not been resting comfortably on my bench. And instead of losing 7-5, I would have won 6-5-1. Sort of a big deal.

Every decision I make lately seems to be the wrong one.

Of course, the real drama of my week took place during the Sunday night ESPN game. I went into this game trailing in OPS by .017. I had Theriot playing and my opponent had DeRosa (who had already had a 5-5 game earlier in the week). Theriot walked in his first at bat and Derosa grounded out. This put my OPS just barely ahead, and temporarily tied us up at 6-6. Then what happened? It started raining of course, and the game was eventually postponed, negating the stats. So I lost OPS, and the week. Appreciated that Mother Nature.

My team has been experiencing a severe power outage lately. The last 4 weeks (all losses) my team has hit 5-9-9-5 home runs. That's just not getting it done. Of course, it's no mystery why this is happening. Sheffield's shoulder is barking (not trading him for Manny two months ago now looks like a serious mistake, but how can you predict injury? And to give up all those steals is crazy.) and my boy Travis Hafner is still hitting like a little girl.

I compared how it feels to have one of my favorite players and the first pick on all 3 of my fantasy teams playing this poorly to watching my own child suffer through luekemia. (for the record, I don't have any kids - this should not come as a surprise). I'm at the point where if I see that he went 1-4 with a run, I'm almost satisfied. What the fuck is that? He's Travis fucking Hafner.

Looking Ahead

Next week, with Hafner now playing again, he's going back in. If I'm going to lose my playoff spot, it will be with him in my lineup and my heart. Sheffield is out, Ibanez is in. Felipe Lopez will never again be on any of my teams for even a second. Furcal is back in. I've also had it with Piazza, and I'm going with Yorvit Torrealba, who has 7 games at home and an 800+ OPS in Colorado.

For pitching, I'm benching the piece of trash known as Bob Wickman, and punting Saves (unless Cordero has a huge week and I get lucky). I have two starts out of Escobar, one from Smoltz and one from James Shields. I either start Joe Blanton on the road (5 + ERA) twice, or Wandy Rodriguez at home (1.65 ERA) twice. Wandy is facing the Nationals and the Pirates and dominates in Houston, so I'm leaning that way.

I need to end what is now a 5 week losing streak. I've only won once since the All-Star Break. It ends now. This is the week I re-establish my team. I'm expecting a big week out of Teixeira (4 games in Cincy) and Bay (4 in Colorado, 3 in Houston). This is my week.

Week Nineteen

Okay, here's the deal. 4 Weeks left, and I have the 6th and final playoff spot. We don't need to talk about how 4 weeks ago I was in first in my division, and now I'm in 4th (thanks Hafner, Bonderman, F. Cordero, Sheffield, Furcal, Piazza, etc.). Bottom line is, if I can hold off the 7th place team, I'll make the playoffs.

This week, I played the 5th seed, the team just ahead of me in my division. I went into the week looking to move up and gain some ground. As the first paragraph of this blog will tell you, I didn't accomplish that goal.

Before we get started, let's talk about Khalil Greene for a moment. And no, I'm not referring to how someone with that name is inexplicably a white guy.
Greene in Week 15: 2-12, .647 OPS
Greene in Week 16: 5-27, .474 OPS
Greene in Week 17: 5-23, .535 OPS
Greene in Week 18: 4-25, .502 OPS
Greene in Week 19: 10-25, 1.185 OPS (2 HR, 7RBI, 1 Steal - why not?)

I bring this up because my opponent has Greene and sure enough, it was week 19. This performance was very symbolic of how this matchup went for me. He was also the beneficiary of Todd Helton's first 2-Homer game since 2005.

His offense was ridiculous. The lowest OPS on his team was Ramon Hernandez at .594, and he was the only one under .700. My team on the other hand had the following:
Bay at .511
Furcal at .472
Piazza at .399
None of which was shocking, especially given what Bay and Piazza did last week. It looks like for the entire season, Piazza had one good week (last week) and I did it on my bench.

Travis Hafner was actually having a solid week (3-10, 1 HR) until I had this phone conversation with my opponent.
Him: I can't believe Helton got hurt.
Me: Yeah, that's too bad. But since you already got two homers out of him, it's not too bad.
Him: Yeah I know, maybe my luck is turning for the worse now.
Me: Maybe.
Him: Wait, maybe not. You see Hafner just got hurt?

Hafner of course got hurt and missed the whole weekend series.

My pitching for the week was every bit as frustrating. I put up a better ERA and WHIP in 6 starts, but managed only 1 win. The least fortunate was Wandy Rodriguez (who is amazing at home, by the way) who went 15 innings, allowing only 10 hits and 2 runs but was left with 2 no-decisions. My opponent meanwhile put up an ERA well over 5 and WHIP of 1.49, but of course managed 3 wins and took the category. Now, while Joe Morgan would say his team pitched better, those of us with more brains than a 9 year old know that isn't true.

I don't really know what to do with my team. I like to keep telling myself that head to head is largely luck and I am just having a very unlucky season. Luck does play a huge part of head to head leagues, after all in my oldest league, my record in the Wins category is 6-11-3 despite the fact that I have the second most Wins in the league. Anything can happen in a week.

If there is anything at all positive to take from this week, and I cant think of anything as I watch my record drop further under .500 it's the performance of JD Drew, who is finally showing signs of breaking out of his season long slump. We all know he isn't a .250 hitter, so the law of averages says he should be over .300 from here on out. This week he went a robust 11-20.

Looking ahead

I've got another inter-divisional match up, and while I'd love to gain some ground, I know that really I'm just treading water and hoping that they douchebag with the 7th best record doesn't have a great week.

I'm also going to do something next week that I haven't done all year in this league. I'm going to bench Travis Hafner. He's questionable right now and his team only has 5 games to begin with. So the problem for me is who do I give his spot to? The struggling Sheffield, or the newly acquired Raul Ibanez, who's coming off a 5 homer week and swinging a hot stick. If I use my head, it will be Ibanez, if I don't, it will be Sheffield.

Also, I've had it with Furcal's struggling bat. I'm replacing him for the week with the hot Felipe Lopez, who's coming off an 8RBI week and has shown a little more speed that Furcal has lately.

Week Eighteen

How big a difference can one game make? How many categories can one game swing? The answer is a lot.

When Sunday's action began, I was leading my week 7-5. A lot of categories were close. Many of them would depend on whether or not Travis Hafner realizes that he is in fact not a light hitting middle infielder.

At roughly 4:oo o'clock, I was (among other things) losing K's by 2, and ahead in WHIP by .002. Yes, Cbssportsline does take it to the third decimal point. At this point I am also tied in Wins and 1 save behind. Enter Francisco Cordero, closer extraordinare, who has not given up a single run at home all season. He's called upon to protect a 3 run lead in the 9th and quickly gets two outs, unfortunately, none via the K. This moment, as Jimmy Rollins steps to the plate, is what I will refer to as Moment Zero. Which is to say, this is the moment where my week began to fall apart.

Cordero promptly walks Rollins on 4 pitches. Why? I guess he was afraid Rollins would homer and close the gap to 2 runs. Next up is Tadahito Iguchi. If he gets a hit or a walk, Cordero's WHIP will hit 2, and I'll lose that category. Cordero quickly gets ahead and then throws a great slider down and away that Iguchi taps toward short. The problem is, he just fucking tapped it. There's no play at first. Cordero gives up the hit because his pitch was too fucking good. Had he hung the slider a little more, it could have been a harmless groundout. So I lose WHIP. But at least I can still tie in Saves, assuming Cordero can get one more out. And of course, he can't. He walks Burrell to bring up Ryan Howard. Howard is on my opponents' team. We are tied in hits and homers and I have a 1 RBI lead. This at-bat should never have happened. I have visions of a grand slam, but instead Cordero merely hits him with a pitch, forcing in a run and giving Howard an RBI. There goes that point. Still, though, I can tie in saves. Or at least I could have, until Aaron Rowand hits a one handed grounder under Ryan Braun's (kid sure can hit, but should have easily made this play) glove. Tie game. No save. And worse yet, at that moment I realized that this Rowand "single" had bumped my BAA up a little bit. Not a lot mind you, but just enough to be higher than my opponent's.

You might think that would be the worst of it. You would be wrong. You see, the tie game means extra innings. Extra innings mean two things: First, more at bats for Corey Hart and JJ Hardy (both on my opponent's team) and of course, some relief work for Brett Myers (also on his team). What happens you ask? The only thing that could possibly happen. Not only does Hart get a hit to put me down one hit, but Myers gets the vulture win to give him that category.

All just great stuff. The stuff of legends. The stuff I usually hear my friends complain about that makes me laugh. I ain't laughing. The profanity that was coming out of my mouth watching Cordero choke (yes, I think this is one of those times when the pitcher does actually choke - usually the giveaways are walks, HBP and wild pitches) away the game would probably make my dad vomit.

So, I go into the night game down 3 hits and tied in homers and RBI. I had David Wright and Ryan Theriot playing. I didn't watch any of the game, but when I saw the score was 8-3, I assumed that at the very least, I would take the RBI point. Wright and Theriot combined for 2 hits (1 less than I needed) and 0 (zero) RBI. Fucking nothing. Absolutely fucking nothing.

After his huge week on my bench last week, Piazza responded to being on my active roster by going 4-24 with 2 RBI and a .397 OPS. Almost worse was Travis Hafner, the heart of my fantasy teams (all 3 of them) went 2-16 with a .488 OPS. A joke.

This now constitutes a 3 week losing streak. And not close losses either. My final score this week was 3-7-2. Over the last 3 weeks, I'm 9-24-3. Unreal. I have fallen from first in my division to 4th, and my record puts me just ahead of 7th place for the last playoff spot.The main culprits for this are pretty clear. Hafner, Sheffield, Bonderman and Cordero.

Their last 3 weeks look like this:

Hafner: 3 homers, .695 OPS
Sheffield: 1 homer, .609 OPS, 5 RBI
Bonderman: 0 wins, 9.391 ERA, 1.826 WHIP
Cordero: 10 IP, 12 Hits, 5.40 ERA, 1.6o WHIP


This is getting ridiculous. For 2 consecutive weeks, I've lost at least 5 out of 6 pitching categories. Sadly, Bonderman, while terrible, is not the only one at fault. My team leader in wins over the last 3 weeks is Pat fucking Neshek with 3. Kelvim Escobar has been ass-fucked by his offense the last 4 starts. This week alone he went 15 innings, 2 ER and was 0-2 on the week.

Is it bad luck? Is this a bad team? It's not a bad team, but my offense cannot survive weeks in which Hafner gets 2 hits with 0 runs/RBI and Sheffield chips in an empty 1-11. And now it appears that Sheffield is hurt. That he got hurt playing the field makes me so fucking mad I can barely see straight. This means I have to go into week 19, against the guy in my division who's 2 games ahead of me with no Sheffield. His replacement is JD Drew. God help me.

It's getting to the point where maybe I have to start blaming the person that Cleveland will be blaming if they don't make the playoffs. Since April 23, Hafner is hitting .230. What is he doing? Is he hurt? Is he sad? He's fucking killing me. Killing me.

Week Seventeen

My week started with my opponent's ace, Johan Santana getting shelled in his first outing of the week. I took this to be a good sign. After all, I had two starts from Bonderman, Andrew Miller and Smoltz, plus a good matchup for Escobar and Jorge Sosa in an RP spot at home against the Nationals. Things were looking good.

At the end of the week, there was only one way to describe my horrific 2-9-1 loss to the worst team in the league: A complete and total disaster. I put up the lowest OPS, fewest RBI, Runs and highest ERA and WHIP of my fantasy season.

How bad?
OPS: 0.682
ERA: 7.25
WHIP: 1.93

Yes, my ERA was over 7. And I'd already lost before Bonderman took the mound on Sunday and shit all over himself in one of the most embarassing outings for starter this year not named Jason Jennings. The inning in which he wild pitched home two runners in row was particularly satisfying. Not to be outdone, Andrew Miller ended his two-start week with only 9.2 innings and whip of almost 3. Much appreciated. But it's expected because the White Sox and Angels are known for having potent offenses.

At least my bullpen was strong. And by strong, I mean weaker than Nicole Richie.
Francisco Cordero: 3 IP, 10 hits, 15.00 ERA, 3.67 WHIP. .588 BAA
Neshek: 2 IP, 13.50 ERA, 2.00 WHIP
Wickman: 2.1 IP, 1.87 WHIP

Miraculously, I won saves 2-0 for the week. Cordero seems like he might be done. Probably should have traded him, particularly since the saves he gets are basically worthless for me since I rarely play Wickman (especially on the road). My bullpen basically never recovered from losing BJ Ryan. But that's my fault.

On the offensive side, as I mentioned last week, I was going with Doumit and Drew over Piazza and Bay. This decision cost me Hits, Runs, Homers, RBI and OPS. So not really a big deal. Barely made a difference. It's only five motherfucking categories.

I benched
Piazza: 12-28, 12 H, 2 2B, 2 HR, 10 RBI, 4 R, 1.128 OPS
Bay: 8-22, 8 H, 3 HR, 6 RBI, 5 R, SB, 2 BB, 1.189 OPS

I played
Doumit: 0-14, 0 runs, 0 RBI, .000 OPS
JD Drew: 4-22, 4 H, 2B, 3 RBI, 2 R, BB, 0.445 OPS

A difference of 16 hits, 5 homers, 13 RBI, etc. Unreal. Ridiculous. Nobody on my team had a better week than Bay or Piazza.
In fact, the majority of my sluggers - Hafner (.558 OPS), Sheffield (.503 OPS), Teixeira (.609 OPS) basically sat it out.
This was the worst managerial call of my fantasy career. It cost me a win this week. If I'd played Bay and Piazza, the score would have been 7-5. Instead it was 2-9-1. That's huge. That hurts.

This is two losses in a row and I need to turn this around. I hear Teixeira could be headed for Atlanta, which would really help his runs/RBI. That could be good. Something else that could be good for my team(s): Hafner might realize he's a fucking man and not some pathetic fantasy killing vagina. Right now, he's the biggest non-injury disappointment in fantasy baseball. Hands down. If you can think of a bigger one, I'd love to hear it.

Week Sixteen

When you have middle relievers on your fantasy roster, the intent is to help your ERA/WHIP numbers and also chip in a few K's and the occasional vulture win. In the Sixteenth week of the 2007 Fantasy season my two middle relievers did precisely the opposite. Rafael Soriano and Scot Shields combined to throw 4.2 innings. In those innings, they donated 2 K's to my cause. They also murdered my ERA/WHIP by allowing 10 Hits, 3 Walks and 8 Runs. Unfortunately, this led to me losing ERA and WHIP by very small margins, en route to losing the week entirely.

My recent acquisition of a slumping Jason Bay was immediately put to the test this week. And the immediate returns were not good. Bay went 4-20 with 1 run and 4 RBI. Those numbers narrowly eclipsed Ryan Doumit, my final fill in at catcher until Piazza is back and ready (which should hopefully be in a week). Doumit also went 4-20, but managed only 3 RBI.

Those two put my offense in an hole, a hole that Kazuo Matsui seemed more than happy to fill with dead hookers - and this time, I mean that as a bad thing. Matsui, once a revelation to my team, went 1-19 for the week. He scored 1 run and had an OPS well under .200. This was his last week on my team. I replaced him with Ryan Theriot for next week, so we'll see how that goes.

One of my bright spots (I did manage to win HR, RBI and Runs for the week, but somehow lost OPS) was Hideki Matsui, who had 14 hits, 4 homers, 8 RBI and 8 Runs.

The worst part about the week was the fact that I lost to a guy whose team name is Boner and whose team is accompanied by a photo of the actor who played the eponymous character on Growing Pains. That hurts. That's not a team you want to lose to. His team is led by his infield of Morneau, Utley and Aramis Ramirez. These three are the heart of his team and they all had big weeks. The biggest pain in my ass, though, was Eric Byrnes. Why? Because Byrnes went ahead and stole 7 (SEVEN) of his team's 9 bases this week. That's a lot of fucking bases. It's basically half of what Byrnes had on the season going into the week. Byrnes singlehandedly beat my team at steals, as I stole 6. What are the fucking odds of that?

Is Hafner going to wake up fully? Will we ever see then 2006 Hafner again? God, I hope so. But we sure aren't know. Another week of an OPS under .800 goes by and the list of players I could have drafted instead of him (in all 3 leagues) keeps playing in my mind.

Even worse, this loss (8-4) knocks me into second place in my division. Fucking Byrnes.

For next week, I'm expecting good things. I'm playing the league's worst team, and I'm getting two starts from Smoltz, Bondermand and Andrew Miller (Blanton's time has passed, apparently), as well as Jorge Sosa at home vs. Washington. Should be a good pitching week.

I'm benching Bay, whose slump seems endless right now. In his place, I'm starting JD Drew, who had a great weekend series at Fenway against Chicago. Piazza is back, but I'm going to give Doumit one more week to be sure Piazza is playing every day and hitting well.

Week Fifteen

I always dread the first "week" after the All-Star break. I do so because it's not really a week at all. Most teams play 3 games, some play 4. This is the week most decided by luck and least by who has the better team. Anybody can have a good weekend.

Personally, I have a long history of getting fucked over this weeked. This year was a rare exception.

I have Sheffield on two of my three teams so his week went a long way toward my team's success. Over 4 games, Sheffield went 7-15, with a homer, 4 runs, 4 RBI and 4 steals. He dominated.

One of those leagues was my Yahoo league, in which I was playing the team with the League's best record. Over the 4 day week, my oponent's lowest daily team batting average was .381. He was over .400 every other day. Thankfully, it was with little power so I was able to squeek out points in HR's, RBI and Runs and we drew even at 6-6 for the week.

In my other league, my opponent and I went into Sunday tied 4-4, with all 4 ties in offensive categories. I would really come down to one day. Thankfully, and luckily, I had the good day, and won the week 10-2.

I am also beginning to sense that Kaz Matsui, despite his ability to steal bases and fuck up even the simplest of ground balls is not an everyday player. I suspect this because he doesn't play everyday. He never seems to play against lefties and if he plays a few games in a row, he'll just sit one out. This is frustrating because I need those steals.

The most important thing that happened this weekend was the return of Mark Teixeira from DL. This made Adam LaRoche expendable. I offered him for Jermaine Dye, who's been struggling and was sitting on a guy's bench. At this point, LaRoche has no real value for me because I'm not going to play him over Tex or Hafner and we have no CI spot. Basically, he's just insurance and I felt like I didn't need him. My Dye offer was rejected, and counted with LaRoche for Bay. I thought this was odd because in my opinion, Bay has the better track record. Plus, this guy had Bay in his lineup and Dye on his bench. I looked up some numbers and saw that Bay was hitting under .200 for his last month, explaining his owner's trepidation. I pulled the trigger and slotted Bay into my lineup for next week, removing Barry Bonds for good.

First Half Report

Through the first half, I'd say I'm doing pretty well. Some things have gone right, and some have gone horribly, horribly wrong. It's like dating: Sometimes things just click with a girl and then other times you slow your car down just enough outside the Emergency Room to dump the over-drugged half naked chick you just video-taped yourself sodomizing out onto the sidewalk.

In this post, I will detail which is which as I break down the first three plus months of my fantasy season. I'll explain which picks clicked (Sabathia) and which picks sodomized me (Ryan). (At this point, those of you with wives, girlfriends, dogs or access to books, televisions or pornography should probably bail out)

You'll notice that several players appear on multiple teams, as I was high on some particular players going into the season and for better or worse, invested heavily in them. Some of these worked out (Escobar, Sheffield) and others have not (Harden, Drew).

CBS Sportsline Keeper League:
Record: 83-74-11
Place: 1st in Division

What Went Wrong:
I got off to a seriously slow start here, thanks mostly to the combined Aprils of
Mark Teixeira (.231 Avg, 2 HR's, 6 RBI, .341 SLUG, .686 OPS)
Gary Sheffield (.200 Avg, 2 HR's, 8 RBI, .306 SLUG, .675 OPS)
David Wright (.244 Avg, 0 HR's 6 RBI, .311 SLUG, .681 OPS)

Devastating injuries to BJ Ryan (6th Round) and Rich Harden (11th Round) hurt my pitching staff, in particularly with BAA as a category. Harden is now, for me, undraftable in the future as this is not the first year he's done this to fantasy owners. The lure of his absurd spring training stats now seems a faded memory as all I feel toward him is warm hatred.

After his lousy April, Teixeira rebounded with a great May, then got hurt in early June and rode the DL for a month, forcing me to use Adam LaRoche and Reggie Willits among others as replacements. Piazza showed no power and then got hurt after only 105 at bats and a .705 OPS. His injury left me searching for a hot bat week after week before settling on the punchless Paul LoDuca, who at least hits second sometimes and can vulture some runs and RBI.

Drafted and dropped Derek Lowe and Oliver Perez after poor starts and then watched them turn it all around on other rosters.

Traded Jeff Kent for Bronson Arroyo, who was 0-2 with a respectable ERA in the low 3's. Arroyo won his first two starts for me, then lost 6 consecutive decisions, allowing 6 or more runs in 4 of them. By then of course, he was off my team.

This led me to have trouble finding a consistent fourth starter, which in turn led to the ill advised using of Jorge Sosa, Jered Weaver, Jason Bergmann, Jeff Burress and Chuck James.

Probably shouldn't have dropped Youkilis after two weeks and definitely should never have drafted, played or even said aloud the name Solomon Torres.

Personal fantasy hero Travis Hafner failed to deliver on the promise of his 5 month season in 2006, putting up decent, but disappointing numbers for him.



What Went Right:
Jimmy Rollins carried my offense early with a huge April (.297-9-18) and continued for the most part, ending the first half with 16 HR's, 53 RBI and 71 runs.

John Smoltz and Jeremy Bonderman were a pretty consistent 1-2 pitching punch, combining for 18 wins in the first half. 21st round Pick Kelvim Escobar far exceeded expectations with 10 wins, 88 K's and a 3.18 ERA. Francisco Cordero came up huge in the bullpen with 27 saves and a 2.85 ERA.

Finally found my fourth starter in Joe Blanton and recieved a handfull of his solid first half numbers: 8-5, 3.28 ERA, 1.08 WHIP.

Sheffield went from Fantasy bust in April to Fantasy monster in May and June, hitting 16 homers and knocking in 44 runs with an OPS well north of 1.000. Oh, he even stole 7 bases.
Wright also woke up in a big way, too. Over the same two months, he chipped in 14 homers, 38 RBI, 14 Steals and an OPS just under 1.000.
Bonds provided more production than expected from the 150th overall pick, hitting 17 homers with an OPS well over 1.000.

Waiver wire gems Kelly Johnson and Kazuo Matsui performed more than admirably at 2b, with Matsui being my current starter thanks in large part to the 16 steals.


12 Team Yahoo League
Record: 95-64-9
Place: 3rd out of 12

What Went Wrong:
Like in my Keeper League, I used early picks on BJ Ryan (6th) and Rich Harden (10th). These picks did not pan out.

4 of my first 5 picks in this league had TERRIBLE Aprils:
(15th Overall) Lance Berkman - .253 Avg, 2 HR's, 11 RBI, .741 OPS
(34th Overall) Garrett Atkins - .260 Avg, 2 HR's, 13 RBI, .743 OPS
(39th Overall) Paul Konerko - .198 Avg, 3 HR's, 16 RBI, .657 OPS
(58th Overall) Gary Sheffield - .200 Avg, 2 HR's, 8 RBI, .675 OPS

Fearing a shortage of outfielders (I had 2 at the time, and only needed 3 - don't ask what I was thinking) I drafted JD Drew with the 106th overall pick. Just ahead of Dan Haren and Chris Young.

Once again, though not terrible, Hafner's first half disappointed.

Struggled to find consistency at shortstop with Orlando Cabrera and Freddie Sanchez.
Struggled to find consistency at catcher with Michael Barrett (whom I drafted a few spots ahead of Russell Martin - a "good call," among many in this draft) and Mike Napoli.

In a move I will probaby live to regret, I added Tim Lincecum and several weeks later, dropped him after 4 lackluster starts. He was immediately added by a rival, and after talk of a bullpen demotion, struck out 12 Diamondbacks in his next start.

I added Phillip Hughes in the middle of his no-hit bid and moments after clicking the "submit" button on my keyboard, I heard the announcer say that he was limping.

My team's offensive struggles lead to some early losses including a particulary brutal two week stretch in which I went 3-21.

What Went Right:
Eventually, my frigid foursome of Berkman, Atkins, Konerko and Sheffield turned it on and my offense rebounded and started crushing other teams the way it should. If I can just Hafner going, I will be unstoppable.

Taking advantage of a somewhat untended waiver wire, I was able to add lots of Brewers:
JJ Hardy stabalized me at short (and was then traded away with Papelbon for Hanley Ramirez, in an attempt to stop my consistent losing in Avg and SB)
Corey Hart replaced Drew in the outfield and then went on a 20+ game hitting streak
Ryan Braun spelled the slumping Atkins at third and now acts as valuable trade bait.
Johnny Estrada provided much needed help in Batting Average at catcher.

Despite the loss of Ryan, I owned the league's dominant bullpen with Papelbon, Francisco Cordero, Otsuka (while Gagne was out), Rafael Soriano (while Wickman was out) and the later additions of Jeremy Accardo and Matt Capps. Not only was my team 13-1-0 in saves, but the latter two additions made trading Papelbon easy to handle.

CC Sabathia (82nd Overall), Josh Beckett (130th Overall), Tim Hudson (183rd Overall) and Kelvim Escobar (207th Overall) stabilized my rotation and kept my team afloat while I waited for my offense to come around.

With my offense alive and well, I ended the first half on a 6 week winning streak, during which time my team went 51-16-5 and vaulted into 3rd place.


LongTime Yahoo League
Record:91-68-9
Place: 2nd out of 8

What Went Wrong:
Several Serious Offensive Disappointments/Bad Picks
(5th Round) Bobby Abreu - 2 HR's, .725 OPS
(6th Round) Carlos Delgado - 14 HR's, .740 OPS
(12th Round) JD Drew - 6 HR's, 33 RBI, .733 OPS
(10th Round) Bill Hall - 9 HR's, .784 OPS

26th overall pick Derrek Lee has 6 HR.

The decision to move Brett Myers from the rotation cost me my intended #4 starter but gave me a top closer who qualifies as an SP, which allowed me to start 5 closers. Then he blew out his arm.

The combined ERA's and WHIP's of Joe Borowski and Bob Wickman were deadly in some weeks, in particular those weeks when Borowski gave up 5+ runs in a 9th inning or any week when Wickman faced the Marlins.

Other injuries to Ian Kinsler, Bill Hall and (shockingly) AJ Burnett.

Missing the weekly innings minimum during the last week of the first half (by exaclty 1 out, no less) lead me to lose the week 11-1 and drop out of first place for the first time since week #2.

What Went Right:
Alex Rodriguez is a monster. There's no reason to go into the stats. We all know them. He's a beast and he anchored an offense that was also led by Travis Hafner and
23rd overall pick Matt Holliday - 122 hits, 15 HR's, 69 RBI, 56 runs, .965 OPS and
162nd overall pick Ian Kinsler - 14 HR's, 50 Runs, and 11 Steals before getting hurt.

I was a master of waiver wire, adding the following gems in the first few weeks of the season:
Brad Hawpe - 15 HR's, 60 RBI, .949 OPS
Russell Martin - 11 HR's, 60 RBI, 16 SB, .866 OPS
Johnny Peralta - 14 HR, 50 RBI, 51 Runs

Despite their struggles, Derrek Lee is second on my team with 102 hits and Abreu is second on my team with 59 runs.

My pitching staff was led by:
John Lackey - 11 Wins, 98 K's, 2.98 ERA, 1.15 WHIP, 3.06 K/BB
CC Sabathia - 12 Wins, 119 K's, 3.58 ERA, 1.17 WHIP, 6.61 K/BB
Erik Bedard - 7 Wins, 149 K's, 3.40 ERA, 1.13 WHIP, 4.14 K/BB
James Shields - 7 Wins, 116 K's, 3.82 ERA, 1.08 WHIP, 6.11 K/BB
Tim Hudson - 8 Wins, 3.54 ERA, 1.21 WHIP

My staff was one of the best in the league, routinely winning ERA, WHIP, K/BB and Saves.

Swapped Wickman and Pudge for Putz, making my K/BB ratio even better and ridding myself of my backup catcher and a closer it's hard to watch (who were also, arguably, the fattest two people on my team).

This was the only 1 of my 3 teams on which I did NOT draft BJ Ryan and Rich Harden.

Week Fourteen

In Head-to-Head fantasy baseball, the practice of "Streaming Pitchers" is as close to cheating as you can really get. All three of my leagues have taken measures to prevent it, and rightly so. My Keeper league has weekly rosters, my Yahoo league has a maximum of 35 transactions for the season and for a player to be elligible for a given week in my longtime league, he must have been added to your roster by midnight Sunday.

On top of this, all three of my leagues also have an innings minimum. 30, 40 and 50 innings respectively. In my longtime league, what this means is that if you have one - or let's say two of your starting pitchers - struggle to finish four innings, you'd better have enough starts remaining to compensate. I went into the week with 7 starts, 3 relievers and needing 50 innings. My staff has a lot of innings-eaters on it like James Shields, John Lackey, Sabathia (really more of an "everything-eater) and Hudson so I figured I'd be just fine.

For those who don't know, when you miss your innings minimum, you automatically forfeit every pitching category. This can be particularly damaging during a week in which your offense has shit all over itself and the only points you're winning are in pitching. Thanks to a great Saturday from Lackey and Bedard (17 IP, 1 ER, 26 K's, 0BB) I was dominating ERA, WHIP and K/BB. These performances blinded me to what took place on Thursday, the events of which went largely under my radar. Hudson and Sabathia had combind to go 7 innings, allowing 13 runs and about a million hits. But after Saturday's performances, I'd forgotten how terrible Thursday had been. I was flying high.

At least, temporarily. Late on saturday, after admiring my pitching stats for several minutes, I clicked on the "week" tab in my Stattracker (for those not in the know, the "week" tab shows what your players have done for the whole week). It was then that I noticed it. At the bottom of the pitching tab, the weekly totals appear. From right to left, I see my sparkling K/BB, WHIP, ERA, K's, Saves and Wins. Then on the far left, I notice my innings pitched: 48.2. Houston, we have a problem.

On Sunday I had no starters going. Because of the Fuentes "injury" I had three relievers: Putz, Saito and Borowski. When you look at your team and see that you need 1.1 innings on the last day, the outcome seems inevitable, but on Sunday, when the Mariners and Indians are playing close games, you let yourself believe that you might not get completely fucked, even though you know deep down, you definitely will. Sure enough, it was Paul Byrd out there in the 9th inning of that tie game in Toronto allowing a walk off single. No Borowski inning. Then there were the Dodgers quickly up 7-0 after two innings in LA, seemingly eliminating the need for Saito. Only the Mariners seemed willing to help me out, as they were clinging to a 6-3 lead in the 7th. That's when I went out for the night. When I got home, I opened up my Stattracker and saw what I knew I would see all along. For the week, my pitchers threw 49.2 innings. I missed it by 1 out. 1 fucking out and a close 6-5-1 loss became an 11-1 debacle that knocked me out of first place for the first time since April.

In my Yahoo league, thanks again to Sabathia and Hudson, I needed 8 (EIGHT) starts to get the 40 innings I needed, highlighted by Rich Harden's 2.2 innings of walks and homers. I had to add 2 starters, using 2 precious transactions. Thankfully in that league, my offense (led by Berkman, Atkins, Braun, Konerko, Hanley Ramirez, Hafner and Sheffield) dominated. They combined for 16 HR's, a .376 AVG and a 1.146 OPS. I had 5 players hit .450 or higher (sheffield, Ramirez, Atkins, K. Matsui and Estrada). Yes, that's a 12 team league.

In other news, my decision to start Adam LaRoche over James Loney was nothing short of a stroke of genius. LaRoche went 8-23 with 3 HR's and OPS of 1.249, leading my Keeper Team to a huge win that propelled me into first place in my (shudder) division. Of course, the main reason I won so handily was that my opponent started Andy Pettitte, off of whom the Angels took batting practice for about 5 innings last week.

So at the All-Star Break, here are my standings in my 3 leagues.
Keeper League: 1st in division (2 divisions, 10 teams)
Yahoo League: 3rd overall (95-64-9)
Longtime League: 2nd overall (91-68-9)

Week Thirteen

Through Thursday in my keeper league, my ERA was a shade under 2.00 and my whip was just over 1.00. I was winning both, as well as BAA pretty comfortably, and looking at a nice 9-3 victory. Things were good. Then came the four horsemen of my fantasy baseball apocalypse:

• Francisco Cordero: .2 IP, 3 Hits, 3 ER, BS


• Kelvim Escobar: 4.1 IP, 10 Hits, 7 ER


• Jason Bergmann: 2 IP, 8 Hits, 6 ER


• Bob Wickman: 1.1 IP, 5 Hits, 4 ER, BS (Most of the damage here was done by none other than Migue Fucking Olivo, who homered twice of Wickman over the weekend. This guy is hitting .255 on the season, but against Wickman he's 3-3, with 2 homers, a double and 5 RBI.)

So concluded my chances of winning that week. Those two blown saves would have been nice, especially since I lost saves by 1. Only a Jeremy Bonderman win on Sunday Night Baseball saved me from a loss, and I ended my second consecutive week tied 6-6.

My main problem in this league is trying to compensate for losing Teixeira. I tried LaRoche for two weeks (one good, one horrible). I have a friend (shocking, I know) who has been insisting that I play Reggie Willits. Now, Willits is one of those players that I usually make fun of other guys for having on their team. "He never stops getting hits, stealing bases and scoring runs," is what I'm told repeatedly by this supposed friend. In theory, he sounds like a good player. So last week, I pick him and throw him in there at my Utility Spot (Hafner now qualifies at 1B). What does Willits do? Through Wednesday, he was 2-10 with 2 CS. I say through Wednesday, because that's when he got hurt and stopped playing. Out of my Utility spot, I got 2 hits. Both singles of course. Take one look at Willits and you know the only gap his balls are getting to is in Howie Kedrick's teeth. Sure enough, I lost hits by 3. I should probably consider myself lucky for getting out of there with a tie.

Good Week:

Travis Hafner showing signs that he's breaking out of it. Pronk homered 3 times last week, drove in 6 runs and posted an OPS well over 1. As the only player I drafted on all 3 of my teams I need Hafner to be Hafner so badly I can feel it.

Bad Week:
Hideki Matsui went a sterling 3-22, with a Lugo-esque .390 OPS. On a positive note for Matsui, the votes were counted, and Julian Tavarez has overtaken him for the presitigious title of "Ugliest Active Major League Baseball Player Not Named Randy Johnson."

In my longest running league, I eeked out a 7-5 win, but if not for bad luck, it could have been so much better. I lost hits by 3, and homers/RBI/K's by 1 each. Perhaps my final day decision to bench James Shields (11 K's, 2 ER) was a poor one, but ERA and WHIP were so close, I couldn't risk it. (The only reason they were close, would be Brian Fuentes, who blew 3 saves in a row and ended the week with an ERA of 27) And of course, Lincecum had to have his first good game in a month and strike out 12. A late vulture win from JJ Putz got me a point in Wins, so I guess I can't complain too much, except possibly about Bobby Abreu who had two hits all week. Maybe his eyes are too close together...

Also this week, I listened to my wife discuss for five minutes how small Kevin Gregg's nose is. To my surprise, it actually is really small. Too small for his face. Take a look before calling me gay. Then call me gay after.

I still can't pull the trigger on this proposed Manny-for-Sheffield deal. If I trade away Sheffield and Furcal, I'm basically giving up on steals, which I usually win. And for what? More HR and RBI? When Tex comes back and Hafner wakes up, I won't need more of those, will I? Besides, Furcal seems to be getting over that ankle injury and putting together some multi-hit games. I think I'm going to pass on this.

So my big dilema heading into week 14, is who to play at my utility spot in that keeper league. I recently picked up James Loney, who's been on fire. But I also noticed that Adam LaRoche is riding a 6 game hitting streak and may be starting to actually remember how to hit the ball with some authority. I don't like Loney's matchups (4 lefties, Smoltz and Hudson out of 7 games) so right now, I think I'm leaning towards LaRoche. I'm sure this will go well. Also going to go well, I appear to have gotten all that I can out of Kelly Johnson, so it's Kazuo Matsui time for good!

Week Twelve

If literally fucking Travis Hafner would make him hit better I swear to God I would really consider it. Not only is he hurting all 3 of my teams but I'm now hearing shit from friends of mine, or former friends, whom I councilled on their drafts and convinced to pick Hafner. Right now, he's hitting how he looks - like crap. And this is from quite possibly, his biggest fan. I love the guy dearly, but his .437 OPS last week really didn't do much for me.

Not to be outdone, Adam LaRoche chipped in a 2-23 week (both singles) and a whopping .309 OPS. Very hard to do if you actually take a bat and two functioning eyeballs to homeplate. Thankfully, the apathy of my offense was met by my opponent, as I won Home Runs 2-1 for the week. His only home run coming courtesy of shortstop Brendan Harris and he hit on Monday. Kazuo Matsui's first week on my team was met with a low OPS (.667) but 3 steals. Not bad.
Two days into the week, Michael Barrett was traded out of a good hitters park to SD where fly balls (and Vinny Castilla) go to die. His OPS for the week was .471. Most irritatingly, after hitting 7th for two weeks and not doing much, LoDuca is back in the number 2 hole, the only reason he has any fantasy value at all. Now I have to go pick him back up, which is something of a pride swallowing maneuver.

And seriously now, how much fucking longer is Magglio Ordonez going to be good. He's just to greasey to keep this up isn't he??

On a more positive note, Lance Berkman is alive. He seems to be waking up from his season long funk, following in the footsteps of other slow starters I drafted on that same team like Atkins an Konerko. Berkman finished the week with a 1.147 OPS, which would have been really impressive if Kinsler hadn't gone 1.345 with 9 runs.

As I've mentioned in this blog before, the week when I play my wife tends to cause a little inter-apartmental tension. This is of course exacerbated by the lack of sex, which is replaced by hostility and jokes about violence. Last time we dueled, I escaped with a tie. This time, I was not so lucky. In the five years my wife has played fantasy baseball, she's always been good at putting together an offense. Pitching, however, has always eluded her. She had attempted to buck that trend by drafting a pitcher much earlier than usual, and so she selected the second most reliable starter in baseball in our 4th round. Unfortunately, Chris Carpenter proved there's no such thing as a "reliable starter" after making only one start (a bad one) in 3 months. Then she endured the injury to Felix Hernandez. So she's sworn off pitching all together, and currently trots out there guys like Jeff Suppan, Ervin Santana, Jeff Francis and Orlando Hernandez. I tell you this stuff because last week, she beat me in ERA/WHIP and K/BB ratio. And she starts Todd Jones. Not sure how this happened, but fuck if it didn't.

There are some things at which a man just can't take his wife being better than him:

• bowling
• Simpson Quoting
• weight lifting
• throwing a football
• jeopardy
• sports trivia
• hooker raping/beating
• joke telling
• driving

Yet, I find myself almost proud of her. At least, that's the feeling I get as I slowly lower the pillow down to her face...


SIDE NOTE: We are entering what I think of as the duldrums of the fantasy baseball season. The weather is really nice and I actually want to spend more time outside as opposed to inside watching baseball. This year, this feeling is hitting me stronger than usual. What does this mean?

Week Eleven

In one of my leagues this week, I was playing some guy who was obviously on vacation. The strange part about this was that on Sunday, he and I made a trade. I got Hanley Ramirez for Papelbon and JJ Hardy.

During the week, he had David Ortiz on his bench, Aramis Ramirez as his 3B (Ramirez was on the DL all week) didn't come close to reaching his innings minimum. On top of that, Jeff Kent hit .077 with no runs or RBI for the week, Jose Valentin was his Utility player (.214 no runs or RBI) and Trot Nixon was in his outfield (.059 with 1 run and 1 RBI). Our trade went through on Friday, so for the weekend he had no SS and no Utility player (it was a two for one deal that required him to drop a player).

Here's the amazing part: He beat me in runs, steals, avg and OPS. He basically came at me with 4 players:

• Pudge Rodriguez (.286, 1 HR, 4 Runs, 5 RBI)
• LaRoche (.333, 1 HR, 5 Runs, 2 RBI)
• Granderson (.360, 1 HR, 7 Runs, 3 RBI, 2 steals)
• Hideki Matsui (.429, 1 HR, 5 Runs, 8RBI)

That's not all that impressive. What is impressive, though is the complete and total lack of offensive production from my team. I only hit 4 homers and Garrett Atkins, who went crazy this week, had 3 of them. The rest of my team, well, see for yourself:

• Konerko (.125, 1 HR, 1 run, 2 RBI)
• Berkman (.313, 0HR, 3 Runs, 0 RBI)
• Hafner (.250, 0 HR, 2 Run, 2 RBI and a shocking steal)
• Napoli (.000, 0 HR, 1 Run, 1 RBI)
• Drew (.227, 0HR, 5 Runs, 4 RBI)
• Kinsler (.125, 0HR, 0 Runs, 0RBI)

It was truly embarassing. I am officially worried about Hafner, who didn't even play on Sunday, and the game was at home. At what point, can we actually stop thinking of Berkman and Konerko as good hitters. August 1st, maybe? I don't know, but I am close to being there right now.

And don't even get me fucking started on Curtis Granderson, who had the fucking week of his life on two of the teams I was playing this week.

More good news, as it looks like this Teixeira quad injury is more serious than it seemed at first. Which is just great for my keeper team, which currently starts LaRoche at first base. I made some roster moves in the league heading into week 12. Benched Kelly Johnson in favor of the hot hitting Kazuo Matsui. And swapped in Michael Barrett for Paul LoDuca, who has a sore triceps after being HBP. We'll see how those moves pan out. My guess: Not well.

Speaking of my keeper league, the owner of Manny Ramirez was shopping him, looking to get a replacement outfielder back. We spoke at lenght about a deal involving Sheffield, but couldn't agree on anything. The closest we got was I get Manny, Freddie Sanchez and Borowski for Sheff and Furcal. My problem with this is simply the worthlessness of Sanchez in fantasy. No runs, RBI or Steal. Just average/hits. And Furcal's second half OPS last year was over .900. I couldn't do it. I want to have Manny and I'd rather keep him for '08 than Sheffield, but not that much.

Current standings in my three leagues: 1st, 5th, 2nd (in my division - I know, divisions??)

Week Ten

To begin this week, I'd like to take a moment to illustrate how important the job of catcher really in in baseball. Tim Hudson's first start of the week was against Florida and in said start, catcher Brian McCann cost Hudson 4 earned runs. How did he do this? With two runners on and one out, Hudson struck out Dan Uggla on a foul tip. Unfortunately, McCann couldn't hang on, giving Uggla new life. Of course, Uggla promptly singled in a run. That was followed by a sac fly, an intentional walk and then a strikeout of Josh Willingham. Not one of those strikeouts that records an out, though. It was one of those the catcher lets slip by him and the batter reaches first base. Followed immediately by a two-run Aaron Boone single. Unfortunately, fantasy ERA doesn't have an asterisk for catcher fuck ups. Though it should.

Onto another favorite whipping boy of the 2007 season: The Orioles Bullpen - inparticular, Dennys Baez. In one of my leagues, I was starting Jeff Burres. Please don't ask why, but the main reason is that he qualifies as an RP and had a start against the Mariners. He left after 5.2 innings, with a 4-1 lead. A decent, and a surefire win. Enter Mr. Baez, who proceeded to author the following line:

Bottom 7th: Seattle
- J. Guillen singled to right center
- R. Ibanez walked, J. Guillen to second
- K. Johjima walked, J. Guillen to third, R. Ibanez to second

In comes Jamie Walker, who was sure to clean up the mess:

J. Vidro hit sacrifice fly to deep right, J. Guillen scored, R. Ibanez to third
- R. Ibanez scored, K. Johjima to second on wild pitch
- B. Broussard singled to first, K. Johjima to third
- Y. Betancourt singled to left, K. Johjima scored, B. Broussard to second

Not so much. 6 batters into the inning there was one out, two men still on base and my win was gone. Not really a big deal, it's not like I lost wins by ONE OR ANYTHING!

In my oldest league, I think I need to take a moment and recognize the week that Alex Rodriguez had for me: 4 homers, 7 runs, 16 RBI, 1.475 OPS and of course, 1 steal. Abreu was no slouch either, scoring 11 runs.

Sheffield had another monster week for 2 of my teams with an OPS over 1.5. He has completely redeemed himself for his first 4 weeks of the season when he seemed to be heading to the plate with his dick in his hands instead of a bat.

My hot pick-up for the week was catcher Mike Napoli, who hit over .400 and knocked in 7 runs, helping my team overcome another disappointing Travis Hafner week. Look, nobody loves this guy more than me. He's the man, and if he walked into my apartment and told me he wanted to fuck me in the ass, I really don't know if I would say "no." But I can't really pretend not to notice anymore just how unPronk-like his season has been thus far. They guy is hitting closer to .250 than .300. He's still taking walks, but here we are about halfway through June and he's still homerless for the month. The big problem here is that he's the one player I drafted on all 3 of my teams.

And one of those team ended up tied for the week and Pronk was a big reason why. Monday, I looked over my opponent's roster and did a little comparison. I almost laughed when I saw that his utility player was Shane Victorino and mine was Hafner. I expected to win the offensive stats based on that alone.

Hafner: 4-22, 4 H, 2B, 3 RBI, R, 3 BB, 0.507 OPS

Victorino: 8-31, 8 H, 2 2B, HR, RBI, 3 R, SB, BB, 0.701 OPS

Simply astounding. Hafner was outhit by SHANE VICTORINO! How the fuck is that even possible? Almost more upsetting was the fact that his team managed to have a whip of 0.767.

Looks like I missed that JD Drew turnaround week by one, as this week he homers twice and knocks in 10 runs. Granted, most of that came in one game, but hey, it still counts. Or at least, it would have counted, if I hadn't benched him...In both of my leagues where I own him...And then finished one of those weeks tied in homers....

Week Nine

Gary Sheffield is officially on fire. 11 runs this week. 11 runs. That's almost 2/game. He lead two of my teams to victory and didn't say or do anything stupid.

Let's get to my predictions from last week.

I said: "And Berkman, well I really need Berkman to start hitting, so I'll go ahead and predict that he does."
Result: Berkman hits .100 for the week with an OPS under .500. But he did homer once and knock in 6 runs, so I'm almost happy about it. Which should tell you a lot about Berkman this year.
I said: "This is the week JD Drew breaks out of his slump."
Result: A .100 average, an OPS of .450 and no homers. But at least he did hurt his hamstring. It seems to me that "J.D. Drew" has got to be acronym for "Ground out to the right side." If Manny led off every inning with a double, Drew would be the king of productive outs. But he isn't. He just makes outs.
I said: "Atkins is at home all week so he's got to start hitting right?"
Result: Not so much. 4 runs and a .267 avg. Not much. I especially liked it when Clint Hurdle said Atkins wouldn't start over the weekend because he was slumping so badly, and then played on Sunday (while I benched him) and homered. Appreciated that.

I suppose if we've learned anything from this, and we probably haven't, it's that my predictions are rarely right, and are mostly based on my needs.


Thankfully for that team, Hafner had a homer and 8 RBI and Kelly Johson hit .500 for the week to help Sheffield out. Franciso Cordero picked up 4 saves and waiver wire wonder Accardo had 2 saves and a vulture win, while my opponent's bullpen featured Todd Jones (47.25 ERA, 9.75 WHIP), Jonathan Broxton (21.60 ERA) and Dan Wheeler (16.20 ERA). That's the kind of stuff other teams complain about.

My Keeper League was tight all week long. I ended up winning Runs by 1, Homers and RBI by 2 and losing hits and steals by 1. This league actually provided me the most frustration of the week. On Sunday, Dan Wheeler melts down, blowing save and allowing runs. I dash to the computer and see that my ERA,WHIP and BAA were suddenly lower. This immediately confirms that I am an enormous loser. I bask in the glow of this 3 category swing. For about 12 seconds. That's how long it took Solomon Torres (I know it's my fault for having him, but he was still getting saves - at least until his first meltdown of the week, which cost him the closer's job, but it's a weekly league so I just had to hope he wouldn't pitch again. But he did. And of course, it was bad) to enter a game and give up 4 hits to the only 5 batters he would face, 2 of them scoring. I bid farewell to my brief leads in all 3 categories. And by "bid farewell," mean I screamed profanities and punched the couch pillows.

For the record, Torres is now off my team. He's terrible. The worst part about his fantasy season is that his best week, (Week 1 when he had 4 saves in 4 chances) he was on my bench.

Looking to next week, I see that Orlando Cabrera and Vlad are on all 3 teams I'll be facing so I expect career weeks out of them. Also, in a desperate attempt to replace Abreu in one league, I was beaten out to add Gary Matthews Jr. I know, I don't want him on my team, and I know he isn't good, but he seems to be getting RBI's. Maybe he decided to use that shipment of HGH that he ordered and had delivered to his house and then at the last second decided he shouldn't use.....

Also, I've decided - in the league I have Bonds - to give him one more week, and not play Raul Ibanez. So we'll see how that goes. Also, rumor has it that Harden - if he comes back and isn't killed by fantasy players, A's fans, or a light mist - could be headed to the bullpen. Great.

Week Eight

Something happened to me this week that has never happened before. Something terrible. Something devastating. In a Yahoo league I've been in for two years, and won both of those years, I lost 12-0. A complete shutout. I was dominated. I was crushed. I was destroyed.

I had a chance on the last day to at least save a few points. We were tied in wins and losses (don't get me started on losses being a category. It's stupid. Everybody knows it's stupid) and I had Jeff Suppan going up against my opponent's Jake Peavy. Yes, I really hanging my meager hopes on Jeff Suppan is a statement on it's own. He's not a good fantasy pitcher. I don't want him on my team. But innings minimums exist and with Beckett out, I needed innings.

Of course, Suppan lost, Peavy won (for the record, I was not suprised about this. It's what should have happened, but nonetheless it sucked for me fantasy wise) and my week went from 10-2 to 12-0.

The main reason is simple. My offense fucking blows asshole. And blowing asshole is something only the most shit-eating offenses do. We all start 9 hitters and 5 of mine hit under .200 for the week (thank you Hardy, Berkman, Drew, Atkins and even Hafner). That Hafner (one of my favorite players) has joined Drew, Berkman and Atkins to form a near record breaking futile foursome that no team could possibly overcome.

Francisco Cordero never even pitched. I guess this is a good thing, since I usually find myself bitching once every other week or so about how closers in non-save situations often get knocked around. (Speaking of which, I own Brett Myers in one league and was just tickled pink to see him come into a non-save situation, kill my ERA for the week and then get hurt. Super)

Garrett Atkins is garbage. He is currently ranked 764th on Yahoo's Player Rankings. The following Third Basemen elligible players are ranked ahead of him right now:

• Alex Cora - part time player
• Mark DeRosa
• Jose Batista - He's on the Pirates. I think. Who fucking knows.
• Hank Blalock - the same Hank Blalock who hasn't played in 3 weeks and just HAD A RIB REMOVED FROM HIS BODY
• Nick Punto - Yes, Nick Punto

Atkins is without a doubt the single biggest non-injury bust in fantasy baseball this year. He is currently hitting .220 with an OPS of .628. He's been dropped to 6th in the lineup.

Looking to next week, I have a feeling this team is going to turn it around. This is the week JD Drew breaks out of his slump. Atkins is at home all week so he's got to start hitting right? And Berkman, well I really need Berkman to start hitting, so I'll go ahead and predict that he does. That way, I'll really have something to bitch about next week.

UPDATE: My decision to not add Youkilis played at least a minor part in my loss in that league. I played Bonds instead of Youk and he went 2-14, whereas Youkilis went an astonishing 12-28, getting 2 hits in all 6 games he played. I lost the hits category by so much, it didn't matter, but it would had been a lot closer if I'd had those 12 hits, and my opponent had played JD Drew and his 2 hits.

Week Seven

Week 7 was not as kind as week 6. In one league, I was crushed 9-3 by the team in second to last place. The main culprit was the return to form of Lance Berkman. By "form" I of course mean his season long slump. At this point in the season, he has hit 1 (one) double. Just one.

He's not alone, as this team is just being dragged down by the terribility (new word) of Konerko, JD Drew, Atkins and Berkman. They are killing me. KILLING ME. Felipe Lopez, the leadoff hitter for the worst offense in baseball has more homers and RBI's right now than JD Drew, the number 5 hitter on the best team in baseball.

Lance Berkman is fucking terrible. TERRIBLE.

For the week, this little team hit a mear .248 with an OPS of .766. But hey, at least the team I was playing finished the week with an ERA of 1.78, so that was easy to keep up with. But those things will happen against guys who start Jeff Francis in Colorado and Cliff Lee. Sure. Why not.

Also, Ichiro stole 8 bases this week. 8 bases. That's fun.

Side note: I feel I may have made my first and worst bad roster decision. As I was on my way out the door on Friday, I thought about adding Youkilis, who has been pretty hot these last few days. I was rushed, and I didn't do it, temporarily deciding to hold onto to struggling starter Dave Bush instead. I woke up on Saturday and immediately realized my folly, only to then find that someone else had added Youkilis. Of course, it's the guy I'm playing next week. Hopefully, this won't come back to bite me.